


Will Home Still Be Home

by PrimeJiveAngel



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Eventual Sex, Freddie and Brian are good friends, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Roger has so many secrets, Roger hears voices, Suggestion of split personality, everyone loves Roger, past trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimeJiveAngel/pseuds/PrimeJiveAngel
Summary: Roger is coming home to London and Queen after being in a sanitarium for a year after suffering a nervous breakdown. He still has nightmares about being held hostage for two months and the terrible things that were done to him.Going back should be a happy time but he has to decide whether he should tell one of his friends that he cares for him more then just as a bandmate and friend.It's something that he isn't sure he has the strength for anymore.Roger has so many secrets he feels lost and lonely
Relationships: John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Comments: 87
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like my second story. I'm still working on the first one, of course but I have so many ideas and have to get them down lol.

Roger looked out of the window of the train that was speeding through the countryside at an alarming rate. His entire world for the last year had been so slow moving that even though it was quiet inside the train the speed made him feel anxious. It seemed the closer they got to London the faster the train moved, almost reflecting the feel London would have with its crowded streets and traffic.

Roger huddled inside his blue duffle coat and stopped himself from pulling up the hood and hiding his face. But who would recognise him now? It had been all over the newspapers and tv the year before but he knew people forgot fast and moved on to the next scandal or tragedy.

What had he been? A scandal or a tragedy? He only saw a couple of the newspaper headlines before the bands managers had made sure he was safely in the sanatorium on a remote Scottish island, away from the reporters and ghouls. 

A year and a half ago a former band member from Smile, Tim had kidnapped him and held him hostage for two months.It had been at first funny as it didn't seem for real. He knew this person and they had always got along but everything turned into horror when he didn't return the ex singers affection. He shuddered inside thinking about it. But he had been rescued and had gone back to Queen and doing gigs like nothing had happened. Except something had happened and his mind was lost for a time. 

Freddie, Brian and John had been there for him but he could never keep it together to get through even one gig and after one outlandish incident after another and countless counselling sessions he had agreed to go away and take a break for awhile.

He knew the band hated replacing him. He knew himself he was the best drummer for Queen but they had managed to get temporary replacements by just borrowing from other bands who were happy ti help out. That way they got a quality musician but no long term contracts that would prevent Roger from joining them once he was all.

Roger looked at his watch and then back out at the dark drizzle outside. His face was reflected in the window and he wondered if the band would recognise him? His hair was just a bit shorter but he would let it grow and it was more light brown then the blond colour he had before. He felt suddenly hungry and opened up the paper bag of sandwiches and waved at the train attendant with the trolly of awful Brit Rail coffee. Even awful coffee would be okay if it took his mind off everything.

Roger knew his three friends would be meeting him at Euston Station. He wondered if they had changed at all. Probably not. There would be Brian, tall with the mane of curly brown hair, looking sincere and concerned. Freddie, wearing something flamboyant, ready to give him a hug and a kiss and tell him he looked gorgeous. Then John, quiet and shy but his emotions in his grey green eyes. Waiting for the moment to let the drummer know he was happy he was back. He loved them all but he loved one especially and had never had the nerve to tell him. Maybe, after all this time away? Or, maybe not.

"God, this is nerve wracking." Freddie paced the hall of the railway station, nearly colliding several times with hurrying passengers. He had tried to dress in a subdued manner but had ended up just wearing what he felt most comfortable in. A blue velvet jacket with a patterned pink shirt and a magenta scarf. His dark hair a mess just above his shoulders and his eyes outlined in eyeliner with just a hint of mascara. 

Brian, tall and almost majestic felt just as nervous and tried to keep up a conversation with John who kept looking at his watch and swallowing. The year before when the drummer had been held captive had been the worse for the bassist. He hadn't known if his friend would be found alive or dead or any of the different combinations of awfulness that could have happened.

Finally, they saw the train pull into the station and the three stood together so Roger could see them. They were his family and they had missed him and wanted him back. It would show on their faces. 

'I can't see him, yet.' Brian, being the tallest had more of a chance of seeing the crowed swarming before them.

'He'll probably be the last.' John, sensible knew that the drummer would feel nervous about seeing them again and would probably be one of the last. He was right. He saw the familiar blue duffel coat and the familiar face and smiled. Roger was back and now they could all get on with their lives again without that feeling of something missing.

Roger could see his friends in the distance. He saw Brian first, of course. Tall and lanky and anxiously scouting the crowd for him. Freddie, almost looking like an anxious parent and John, standing close to Brian with the shy smile.

Roger, wearing the blue duffel coat that seemed too big for him, waved his arm. They waved back and as one took a few steps forward. He was 'home' even before he reached them and then three sets of arms were hugging him and patting his back and then they were outside in the London air and looking for a taxi.

Roger felt relieved. He was back. No more wondering about any changes. Had they changed his room? Would the flat look or even smell differently? It didn't matter. The one he loved was here and that made it home. 

He looked out of the taxi window with Brian and Freddie on either side of him and John sitting across. Brian and Freddie asking about his journey from Scotland. Was he hungry? They bet he'd like a Jack Daniels. They stocked up on all his favourite foods and drinks and even got new bedding for his room. He nodded and smiled and when he spoke even his own voice seemed raspier then normal.

'You look good, beautiful.' Freddie was saying and picked up a length of his hair and said 'Mmm, shorter but it will grow and my darling you need a lighter.' They all laughed at that and even John smirked and nodded and looked out the window. 

Brian had taken his suitcase and effortlessly carried it up the three flights of stairs and Freddie was unlocking the door. John helped Roger off with his coat but the drummer had kept his eyes down not wanting anyone to see the fear he had at being back. It was just fleeting but there just the same. But it would pass. He put a smile on his face and took a deep breath to steady the pounding of his heart. 

'So, everything, I think, is how you must remember it.' Freddie threw his arms out, encompassing the living room and its shabby but comfortable couch and there was a new rug in the middle of the floor. They'd got rid of the one that Roger had been sick on the last day he was there, thank god. There a few new plants and the stack of records still looked as if it would topple over but everything was clean as if they had all tried to make it feel welcoming.

'It looks great.' Roger was surprised at hearing his own voice and turned to look at John who was looking worried as if he'd forgotten something. The bassist seemed to hesitate then said he's get the drinks out.

'Oh, is it okay for you to drink, Rog?' Brian asked softly. He had no idea if the drummer was on any special medication or had the all clear and was completely better. That would a discussion for later. 

'Yeah, it's okay. Just can't go crazy.' Roger said the word casually but the others stared at him. It was going to be like this for awhile, wasn't it? Everyone, tip toeing around him. He tried to put on the Roger Taylor smirk and succeeded somewhat because soon the music was on the turn table and there was a bowl of crisps and a large glass of Jack Daniels for him and beer for the others. He smiled gratefully when John handed him the glass. The bassist trusted him to go slow with it. 

They discussed what the band had been up to. The drummer had really not been able to follow it much. There were no newspapers or television at the sanatorium. Just books and mindless activities. He was allowed a small radio though and he'd managed to keep up with the newest records and heard a little about the band. They had pretty much kept all recordings on hold till he returned. A replacement drummer was okay for gigs but not for any permanent recordings of them. He was grateful for that. More then he could say

'The place looks really clean.' Roger frowned wondering who had done the brunt of the cleaning but he soon was told that their girlfriends all had a part in it and as he looked from one to the other he wondered what had he really expected? That someone who didn't know that he loved him would wait for him? It was ridiculous. He took a deep breath and bit his lower lips trying to calm himself down. Three sets of eyes were looking at him.

'Are you tired, Rog? it was a long train trip.' Brian was looking at him with concern. His friend looked thinner since they'd last seen him and there was something different behind his eyes. He'd lost his self confidence but that would come back. After all, he was still Roger Taylor and would lose none of his popularity with the fans.

'Just a bit.' he admitted and then frowned. 'Is my room?' He didn't know if it was the same sleeping arrangements. Before he and John had shared a room. Freddie had the biggest room at the end of the hall and Brian was in between.

'Unless, you'd like the room to yourself, Rog, you're still in with me.' John smiled at him.'I've made room in the closet for anything you've got with you and your clothes are still as you left them. Well, you left them in a heap on the bed but they are in the closet now.' John looked so sincere that they all laughed at how John was still picking up after the drummer.

'Thanks Deaky.' The drummer smiled and fluffed his hair at the back. It was a habit of his and that always made Freddie smile as it usually made a mess of his hair and the singer would pat it down again. He leaned over to smooth the blonds hair and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

'Welcome back, sweetheart.' The older man said sincerely and there was a quiet moment where the other two nodded in agreement.

'Queen is complete!' Freddie stood up.' And we need something more to eat then crisps. Bri, you can help me get a meal ready and John can get Roger settled. The singer headed towards the kitchen and Brian rolled his eyes and followed him.

Roger and John were in their old bedroom but the bassist was looking as if he wanted to say something.

'Rog, if you'd rather have the room to yourself, Bri is okay to switch and you can have his room. You know, if you want privacy, yeah?' John was clasping his hands together as if nervous of the answer but the drummer reassured him he was still okay sharing, that it would be nice not be alone.

John let out a sigh of relief and nodded. "Great. I was hoping you would say that.' He turned and lifted the suitcase onto the bed and left Roger to unpack it. He sat on the bed and watched the drummer stand in front of the open closet and touch the clothes he hadn't seen in a year.

'You look great.' John said softly and Roger nodded but didn't turn around. He didn't trust himself not to breakdown. He had been warned at the sanatorium that he would have bad, good and better days for the next few months but if tried to be calm and take his time he shouldn't even need medication. He was happy about that. He would try his hardestH he didn't want to got back to the island. 

Roger moved back and forth putting his few belongings in the closet and chest of drawers. John had made sure he had the largest drawer in the chest. They chatted about nothing in particular. Tomorrow the band would rehearse with Roger again and John said they were all looking forward to that.

Roger wasn't sure how bad he would be. It had been a year since he'd even held a pair of drumsticks. He pushed that out of his mind and asked John about their girlfriends. John indicated none of them were serious relationships, after all they were still all together in the flat. 

'I guess Roger's girls will be out in full force.' The bassist chuckled and Roger blushed. The fact that he had been sexually assaulted for three months, thankfully had been kept out of the press. He doubted if his fan base would want to know about that. What girls would want to have sex with him if they knew?

Dinner had been wonderful. His favourite pasta dish was presented and bottle of wine were opened as they sat around the small table in the small kitchen. Roger felt surprisingly hungry and had two helpings of the pasta. They all laughed as Freddie leaned over and wiped the sauce from the corner of the drummers booth with his thumb. It was as if the last year hadn't happened.

John expected that Roger would probably not be very chatty to start with. Not like his old self but he looked the same and the colour was already coming back into his face. He'd missed him so much and he'd been the worst effected by not being able to visit him on the island. Only Roger's mother and sister and the band manager, Jim, had been allowed. The rest of the band could write to him but only about everyday stuff, nothing that would upset him but of course they wouldn't have done that anyway.

There was just one problem After Tim's arrest and into his first year of imprisonment and after his appeals were exhausted he had decided to talk about what he had done and one of the daily tabloids had the scoop. No one wanted to tell Roger about this. So far, the management team for Queen and the lawyers had been able to stop any publication. They would give it a few more days before telling him. John dreaded it.

John had rearranged their beds so that they were at right angles to each other with a low table in between in the corner. They could talk to each other more easily, the bassist said and Roger smiled at him. It was a great idea and the new bedding was better then the stark white at the sanatorium. Roger asked if John's girlfriend had chosen it and he had shaken his head, It was all his idea. The covers were a light blue with matching pillows and the drummer was surprised at John's new found style.

'I'm sorry, Rog. About everything.' John and Roger had their showers and were just about to turn off the light. Roger leaned on his elbow and looked over at the brunette whose head was so close he could see the little crinkles around his eyes.

'Sorry, about what, Deaky?' He really didn't know what the bassist had to be sorry about.

'Just...I wish I'd been able to get to you sooner. We all did, of course. I just..' He pressed his lips together.'I just wish it had been different an nothing had happened and you didn't go away for so long. I ..I missed you, Rog. Really, missed you.' The bassist lay back on the pillows and reached behind him to turn off the lamp.

'It's okay, Deaks. Really.' Roger didn't know what else to say. He wanted to tell him and he couldn't. Words just stuck in his throat and he'd spent so much time talking about his feelings to the doctors that he never wanted to talk about them again. Ever.

The nightmare was always the same. He'd told the doctors he didn't have it anymore. If he hadn't they would never have let him out. In the dream he was stabbing Tim over and over again. He didn't care about the blood or if it was right or wrong. He just wanted him dead so that he wouldn't haunt him anymore. But how could a living person haunt you? He pushed his face into the pillow and tried to dream about something else and not cry. He had to keep it together or he really would be out of the band. 

When he woke again in the middle of the night he opened his eyes and frowned for a second wondering where he was till he felt the hand holding his on the pillow. He looked over at John who had put his arm out to hold his hand. He must have heard him.Roger smiled and went back to sleep.

Freddie looked up from his morning paper and coffee to see what he thought he'd never see again. Roger standing there in pyjama bottoms and bare chest , fluffing his hair and peering at the coffee pot. Still can't see worth a damn. the singer thought to himself, remembering the drummers poor eye sight.

''You look good enough to eat.' The singer stood up, dropping his paper and hugged the younger man in a tight embrace. 'I have missed you so much.' He kissed the drummers cheek and pushed him down onto a chair. 

Coffee and toast, alright?' He asked, holding the coffee pot. The drummer was indeed a sight for sore eyes even in a half asleep state he was gorgeous and the last year seemed to have disappeared having him back.

'Yeah, great.' Roger felt he was in heaven. Not having to get up and get dressed and go to the hospital dining room with the other patients. It was a nice place, he recognised that the sanatorium was an expensive one and only VIP clients but it was still a place you couldn't leave and no one hugged you at breakfast.

Roger looked fondly at Freddie and smiled as a hot cup of coffee was put in front of him. He'd stopped smoking but still felt the occasional urge to light up that he tried to dismiss.

'This is nice.' Was all he could say. He was use to talking to someone different each morning at breakfast. Some of the residents, like himself, were there for a long time but some only just for a couple of months. More like rest cure. He'd only meant to be there for 6 months but things had transpired that his say was extended. 

'Hey, morning.' Brian yawned in the doorway. "I heard al the racket in here.' He smiled and squeezed Roger's bare shoulder. The drummer looked up at him. He loved Bri. He was serious and sincere and a pain in the ass sometimes but that was because he cared and wanted to do the right thing. He was the first person Roger had seen when he was rescued from the cellar. 

Brian had never told anyone about finding Roger. How awful it had been to see their friend in the condition he was in. It was heartbreaking and Roger had known that the tall, serious guitarist would never have told a soul. The police knew about it, that was enough. But the guitarist has always wondered how the horror the fragile drummer had gone through had affected his psyche.

'Enough for me?' John pulled out a chair next to Roger and pulled his hair over to one shoulder. Roger loved the bassists hair. The deep brown colour, the waves over his shoulders. He'd missed that sleepy looking morning Deaky. 

For a moment the loneliness of the past year washed over hm. It was all Tim's fault that he had lost what he had. That he had to rebuild his world if he could.

'Okay, Rog?' The two words sent the drummers heart pounding again.He had wondered if after a year he would still feel the same. And he did. 

"Yeah, okay.' He nodded and looked at his three friends. They all expected him to be the same old Rog. The one before Tim had screwed his mind up. He hoped he could be that person again. 


	2. Will I still be me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger is happy to be back with the band, rehearsing and catching up with what he's missed.
> 
> He's still fighting his bad dreams, though, and his a secret that he is afraid John has discovered without knowing it.

Brian was relieved that Roger was back with them. It had been a long year with him being away and though they had managed with replacement drummers it wasn't the same without him. It wasn't just as a musician that he had been missed. His friendship was the most important thing and always had been. The flat had been far too quiet after he had gone up to Scotland. That had been an awful day and the guitarist remembered how John had shut himself in the bedroom he shared with he drummer for a couple of days only to appear, eyes red rimmed and sad.

The three of them had felt the emotion of the blond leaving them to get himself better, differently. They all wanted him to recover from the nervous breakdown he'd had and be part of their lives again but one wanted it even more then the others.

Three months before Roger's emotional breakdown he had gone through a heart breaking trauma when an ex band mate had held him hostage for two months. It had taken that long for the police and his friends to find him and Brian had been the first person there when they had rescued him in an unbearable state in Tim's cellar. Brian had never told anyone other then Freddie and not even then had he told him everything. 

Roger had lost so much wieght, had been starved and beaten and sexually assaulted and was barely recognisable as the attractive blond drummer. He had been rushed to the hospital and after initial first aid and tests were done it had been Brian who was allowed after much persuasion to be allowed to bath the drummer. To wash his matted, dirty hair and get him into the clean hospital bed.

When Brian had first seen the drummers naked body, sitting in the warm bath water, his knees drawn up and his head resting on them he had nearly gasped with the shock. He seemed to be all bones and his blue eyes looked enormous. He had carefully poured water over the matted blond locks and as gently as if bathing a baby had gone him clean. Just doing this hand made a huge difference to his appearance. The drummer had kept remarkably still and had not uttered a word but had sometimes caught Brian's hand in his for a moment and they had held hands for a few seconds. Brian had only then realised that he was crying when Roger touched his face gently. 

"I'm so sorry, Rog." The guitarist nearly chocked on a sob that escaped. He was trying to be strong for his friend but his imagination of what all the bruises had been from was too much. He wanted to cradle the blond in his arms but even that would have hurt him. 

Finally, he finished washing him. He'd never in his life been so gentle with anyone and was surprised at himself for being able to do it. The worse part was the complete silence from the blond. Brian carefully dried the thin young man before getting Roger's own pyjamas that Brian had brought from home on him but they hung on him as if two sizes too big.

"Okay, Rog. Lets get you into the bed." Brian had carefully helped the blond into the hospital bed and pulled the covers up gently.

"Don't leave, Bri." The blonds voice was weak but had the familiar raspy quality to it still.

"I promise I won't, Rog." He pulled the chair up near the bed. The nurse had come in a few moments later to give Roger an sedative injection on top of the one he already had. Brian guessed they would keep him as sedated as possible till he started to heal

Brian made the commitment he would stay even while the blond was sleeping. He didn't want the two other musicians to see the drummer for a few days. Let him recover himself a little before the emotional reunion. He was worried more about John. He was young and very close to the drummer.

Roger hadn't wanted John to see him like this. He'd managed to catch a glimpse of his own face in the bathroom mirror just off his hospital room and he didn't recognise himself. His eyes were bruised and even when he tried smile his eyes looked dead. Deaks couldn't see him. He was afraid of seeing the sadness in the younger man's eyes and the look of compassion.

He'd always been stronger then the bassist. There to help him not to be someone the musician felt sorry for. But there was no excuse for not seeing him and Freddie and Brian tried to make him as presentable as possible by brushing his hair and trying to get him to practice smiling which made the drummer smile, anyway.

Roger remembered John standing in the doorway. Freddie had already gone in and after a few words exchanged with the drummer he was sitting quietly beside the bed. Everyone had fallen silent when John appeared. The drummer may have looked better in Brian's eyes because he saw him when he was rescued but to John the sight of the now frail blond was heartbreaking.

"Hi Deaks." Roger's voice was weak but still had the raspy quality. He tried to smile but it wasn't convincing. 

"Hi.' John took a tentative step or two into the room, unsure if the blond wanted to see him. He'd anticipated seeing him again for so long and a few times had given up hope, that now it seemed surreal. Neither had noticed that Brian and Freddie had left the room. John stood by the bedside his eyes searching the blonds face, seeing the bruises. 

"Does everything hurt?" He asked quietly and the blond gave the well known Roger smirk.

"Pretty much, yeah." 

John smiled at the flippant remark but tears filled his eyes and he lay his hand, palm upwards near the drummers. Roger placed his hand in his and smiled. The first non fake smile he'd managed to give and they sat quietly like that till Brian and Freddie came back into the room.

"You two have a nice chat?" Freddie asked and the two younger musicians nodded despite the fact they had only exchanged those few words at the beginning.

If they had thought that the worse was over for Roger they were so wrong. He'd seen the psychologist, had gained weight and looked much better but the mental scars were hidden and came out in different ways. The drummer who had always had a tendency to fly of the handle, was even more erratic then usual. It got to the point where his friends couldn't handle it and 3 months after the rescue he had been sent to the sanatorium in Scotland. A polite name for a mental hospital.

The decision had been made the night the drummer had trashed the flat, scared John to death by balancing on the edge of the roof and almost taking the bassist with him. The management team, including Jim had made all the arrangements and promised it would only be for a few months but the few months went into a year and no one had to tell the others why. Roger wasn't getting better, anytime soon.

Freddie remembered a teary eyed bassist standing in the doorway of his bedroom the next day.

"Will he get better, Freddie?" The youngest musician looked as if he hadn't slept all night. He needed reassurance.

Freddie patted the side of the bed for the bassist to sit down. He felt like a father suddenly, trying to comfort a despondent child.

"I think he will, Deaks." Freddie sat up in bed and squeezed John's shoulder. "He sent through some pretty awful things and it would be impossible for his mind to not be affected, yeah?'

John nodded and twisted his hands together. "I just wish we could help him here." he choked back a sob. "I feel like we've deserted him.' He turned his green eyes on the singer who saw for the first time the love the younger man had for the drummer.

Six more months past and the drummer still wasn't well enough to come home. A couple of weeks before he was due to come home something happened because his stay was prolonged for another six months and the feeling was that he may never come home. But finally, it was set and even though Brian wanted to go to get him so he wouldn't travel alone, Roger needed to do this himself. To prove he could to the others and most importantly, himself.

"So, I thought maybe you would like a couple of hours drum practice on your own, Rog. You know before we start practice." Freddie was sensible. He knew the drummer probably hadn't picked up a pair of drumsticks in over a year.

"Sounds good." The blond nodded. He was eating a piece of toast loaded with jam and was eyeing the next piece on his plate. Freddie put two more slices of bread in the toaster and he and the others watched the drummer with pride.

It was so good to have him back and stuffing food into himself like old times. John nudged his shoulder with his and grinned at him.

"Hey, Deaks" Roger nudged him back. It was a game they played. Sometimes the bassist would appear behind the drummer and put his chin on his shoulder at the pub or home. It was an affectionate gesture that the other two could never have carried off. The drummer would have frowned and swatted them. But Deakie could do no wrong as far as the blond was concerned.

"Maybe, Deaks can practice with me?" He looked at the bassist first who nodded enthusiastically. 

"Yeah, I can be ready when you are." John looked so happy he'd been asked that the two older musicians were happy things seemed to be getting back to normal.

The practice studio was quiet as it was early in the day. The band had it booked from noon onwards so Roger and John had a couple of hours alone. Roger was glad because he wasn't embarrassed about being rusty in front of John. 

They practiced a couple of easier songs and the drummer dropped his sticks a couple of times because he had cramp in his hands but after an hour he felt like he was at least back to somewhat normal. Not great, just getting there. He even tried sining a bit which was a bit of a disaster as he hadn't used his voice like that in over a year.

After an hour they stopped for break and John brought them both coffees from the kiosk near the studio. They sat together on the bench outside the studio in silence for a whole then both started talking at the same time. then laughed.

"I missed this, Rog." John sighed and looked at his friend. "Did you, you know...?'

"Miss you.? Of course I did." Roger smirked. "I miss everyone." He teased the bassist and nudged him

"Fuck you did." John blushed. "You missed me and only me. Stands to reason, really." He raised his eyes to the sky and then looked sideways at the blond.

"Have you ever told anyone? Bri or Fred?" Roger crossed his legs and leaned over. John took the cue and rubbed his back for him then gave one shoulder a quick massage.

"No. Course not. Imagine Freddie would have a heart attack." 

Roger made a scoffing noise. "Good. I just don't want to, you know?" Roger leaned back against the wall.

"Yeah." John nodded. "I guess we better put another hour in. You're okay?' He stood up and looked down on his friend. 

"Yeah, but lets sit for a bit longer, Deaks." Roger smiled up at him and took his hand. "I really, really missed you."

Brian and Freddie were frankly amazed at how well Roger had drummed after his one year absence from the band. He had obviously made good use of the practice time so that by the time the two older musicians arrived he was doing short drum solos and twirling the sticks like he use to. 

His appearance hadn't changed that much either. His hair was still long and messy over his shoulders and he was still wearing those tight jeans he favoured with an unbuttoned denim shirt. His bare chest glistened with sweat and he felt happier then he had in a long time. 

It was a tradition that after practice the band would go to the local pub for a drink or two and then go on to do their own thing. Roger wasn't sure about going to such a public place but the others assured him it would be okay. They would get a quite table in the corner and no one would see him. His face had been all over the newspapers when he'd been rescued and he hated it being for that reason. Hated being a victim. Hated Tim for doing that to him. He wanted to be known as a rock n' roll star not a sexual assault victim.

"Sit with me." John nudged the blond into a corner and sat next to him with Brian on the other side. The drummer relaxed, feeling protected on both sids but kept his eyes down just in case anyone did recognise him. He didn't want to lose it again like he had a year ago and get sent back to Scotland.

"Cheers. Welcome back to home and Queen." Freddie toasted him quietly, also not wanting to draw attention to the group.

"Thanks guys."Roger smiled almost shyly and John squeezed his hand under the table. "It's good to be back and I...well, you know. Sorry, about what happened. I never got a chance to say that." He blushed.

"Oh, Rog. No need. You're back and we're happy.' Freddie grinned at him and the others nodded.

John was already in bed and asleep when Roger had finally undressed and got into bed. He'd purposely stayed up playing scrabble with Brian and Freddie. It had had given him the feeling of a bit of normality. More for the others then himself. They thought they had the old Roger back. But he didn't even remember himself what the old Roger was. 

This version had vengeance inside him. He had never hated anyone in his life before but hated Tim and that his life had changed so much because of him. He wanted John to think he was still the same person who he cared for so much. He prayed he could be but that dream kept bringing it all back, The dream with the knife and the blood and screaming. It was him screaming though and not Tim.

John woke up with a start but it was just the noise of the phone ringing that had woken him. He looked across at Roger who was still asleep. He didn't want to wake him but it was so great seeing him there. He thought he would never see Roger again , sometimes and wondered why no one could go see him in Scotland except Jim and Rogers family.

"Hey, Deaks. I'm awake. You don't have to tiptoe around, mate." He rolled over onto his back. His voice was raspy from sleep and his room mate was just amazed that he looked so much the same as before he had the break down.

"That was a really cool story you told me last night.' John yawned and stretched his arms. 

"Story?" Roger sat up suddenly. "What story, Deaks?"

"About the place in Scotland and all those weird goings on. It was a pretty long story, Rog. Don't you remember?" John was frowning, trying to find his slippers. The floor of the flat was cold in the mornings.

"Oh." Roger felt the breath leaving his body. He bit down hard on is bottom lip and tasted blood.

"Weirdest thing was your voice didn't even sound like yours.' John stood at the doorway smiling. 

"Really good story, Rog. It was so amazing." He smiled. 'I"ll get us some coffee, yeah?"

Roger suddenly felt cold and shivered. He buried his head under the pillow. "Please God, don't let it happen again. Please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a kudo or comment if you like the story so far.


	3. The Face in the Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger is trying to get back into a routine with the band and his feelings for Deaky are pretty obvious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really trying to make this interesting but not sure how I am succeeding. Please leave a comment and let me know. 
> 
> Do I need to up the smut or increase the angst?

"Really, Freddie. Shouldn't we know more about why they kept in the hospital another six months? I just feel theres something we're missing about all this, you know?" Brian was tuning his guitar as Freddie draped himself over the piano watching him.

Freddie didn't want to tell him that Jim was coming over to talk to them about that very thing, soon.

"I don't think so, Bri. It's up to Roger and if he's back home now they must think he's well enough." Freddie hated talking about Roger like this. He had always felt very protective of him and was happy he was back in the band again.

"I just think theres something not quite right, yeah?"

Brian had his misgivings but had to drop the conversation when Roger and John appeared. They were sharing a joke about something and Brian did agree with Freddie it was good to have Roger back. For one thing, Deaky looked happier then he had done in over a year. The younger musician had hurt the most when the drummer was away. He'd bonded with him as soon as the shy bassist had joined the band. Brian had a feeling there may be more then friendship between them but it was none of his business.Still, it was curious.

Roger felt more confident drumming as the days went by and was looking forward to their next gig in a few days. He managed the the high notes in Lap of the Gods and was rewarded with a smile and nod from Freddie for his harmonies. He could tell Brian was looking at him strangely, sometimes. As if trying to figure something out. 

Roger had left the hospital with the name of two therapists. He was allowed to leave if he promised to make an appointment to see one of them within a week of returning to London. He had promised he would. He would have promised anything just to leave there. He was tired of the dampness, the comfortable sameness and he wanted to feel affection again. 

As if reading his thoughts he looked over to see Deaky smiling at him. The beautiful, shy smile that could make his heart stop. God, he was beautiful. All that wavy brown hair and long legs. Roger imagined wrapping his legs around him and kissing him till they couldn't breathe anymore. The most they had ever done was hold hands. But he could imagine, couldn't he?

They had known having any relationship was a non starter with the band. Freddie had rolled his eyes at musicians who had broken up and the bands were never heard of again. Personally, Roger thought it was an exaggeration as Freddie never named the band he was talking about but he took the warning. But even after a year it was impossible for him not to want to get closer to Deaky then holding hands at night. 

Jim had dropped by to see the band a few days after Roger got home. He had taken Freddie aside to have a little chat which was really about Roger and what had happened at the sanatorium. He felt he owed it to Freddie, as he was the oldest in the group and pretty much kept everyone together on more then one occasion. 

"What did Jim have to say?" Brian asked as an idle question thinking it was probably just about upcoming gigs and recording but the singer didn't answer. He sat staring into the distance. 

"Fred? You okay?" Brian frowned at him. "Was there a problem with next weeks gig?" The guitarist hoped not. They needed the money, for one thing.

"No. Thats fine." Freddie stood up and looked blankly at Brian. "Sorry, what did you say?" He frowned at the taller man.

"Fred, whats wrong?" Brian stared at the singer. 

"Nothing. We just have to make sure Rog gets to his appointment on time. He held a small white card with a doctors name and address on it and appointment date for Wed at 2 pm.

"Alright, no problem." Brians said quietly and put the card in his pocket. "Rog knows about it, I guess?"

"I think so. Maybe, you could just mention it to him, yeah." Freddie went to the window and watched Jim get into his car. There was something he wanted to ask him but it could wait.

"Come here, Deaky." Roger sat on the edge of the bed watching the bassist potter around the room tidying things that didn't need tidying. "We have to talk." Roger sighed, biting his lower lip. 

'About what, Rog.? We already..." The brunette let the drummer grab his hand when he was near enough and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Well, I was wrong. If I've learned anything by being in that place for a year its you have to do what you want when you can." 

"Was it very bad that place? I mean, it sounded nice but..." John looked concerned. He had hated the thought of Roger being anywhere nasty.

"No, Deaks. It was a nice place. Nice people, nice everything." Roger lay his head on the brunettes shoulder. " I just missed you so much, Deakys. I really, really, did." He chocked back a sob. 

"Oh, Rog. I missed you." John wrapped his arm around the blonds shoulders.

Roger turned his face up to him and half closed his eyes. It was all the invitation John needed. He held the blonds chin in his hand and kissed him at first tentatively, then with more urgency. It was as if he had never really kissed anyone before. It was sweet and hot at the same time and he knew he would never want anyone else as much as he did Roger at that moment.

"Oh," Roger smiled and wrapped his arms around the bassists neck. "I can do this all night." he whispered.

"Me, too but we better wait till later, Rog. We can go up on the roof after dinner, yeah?" He held the blonds fingers to his lips, his heart still pounding from the feelings he felt for the drummer.

"Freddie wanted to make a special dinner again for you." John waggled his eyebrows at the drummer.

"Spaghetti?" The drummer loved pasta. It got all over the place when he ate but he loved it. 

"Yeah. C'mon, Rog." John didn't want to leave the room but they had the rest of the evening together.

"Deaky?" The blond got up and took the brunettes hands in his. "I want to get to know you. Without everyone around, you know?" He lay his head on John's shoulder. It felt natural doing it and the other man held him close. 

"Are you there, Rog? I've got the wine." John's head appeared over the edge of the roof and he smiled seeing Roger waiting for him. There was a sort of deck where the roof was a bit flatter and they had managed to get some old cushions up there which had to be taken in each time in case of rain. 

"Hey." Roger moved over and took the wine and glasses from John as he sat down. 

"Whew. Made it. Had twenty questions from Freddie but I don't think he knows." John smirked and stretched out his legs. He took one of the glasses and watched Roger pour out the wine. "This is nice, Rog." He whispered as they clinked glasses.

"About time, huh?' The blond leaned back and reached for John's hand. "Do you remember the first time we did this?' He tried and smiled at the brunette who nodded.

"After that gig in Birmingham." John said softly. "It always just seemed enough. It had to be." John ran his thumb along the top of Roger's hand.

"Yeah. You do remember." Roger smirked. "You can kiss me again, if you want to, that is." He said softly and smirked. He knew the affect he had on the bassist because it was mutual.

"Mmm, I think I can manage that." John put down his wine glass and gently pushed the blond back on the pillows. The kiss was definitely going to lead somewhere as John moved from the blonds mouth to his neck and slowly unbuttoned his shirt to caress his chest and rub his thumb across his nipples making the blond catch his breath. 

"You are so beautiful, Roger Taylor." John whispered before kissing behind his ear and he felt the blond shiver under him. He lifted his head and looked into the half closed blue eyes. John thought his heart would burst, he loved the him so much. Sometimes, it felt almost ethereal. Something so pure that he could never, ever been able to express.

John couldn't even imagine the terror the blond had suffered. Not knowing if anyone knew where he was or if he would be rescued. The younger musician was almost afraid to ask him about it. He could hear him crying out in his sleep that first month he was home. Sometimes and if it went on more then a few moments he would get into bed with him and hold him close. They never spoke about it the next day though. Another one of their secrets.

Roger had told him once, later that he thought the only thing that kept him from going crazy was the thought of him. It had made the brunette blush and he got tears in his yes. If only he had been able to rescue him.

The first night that the Roger was home from the hospital a year before he had slept in his own bed. The doctors still had him on sedatives so he was sleepy and all the emotional reunions had tired him out. But the second night John had woken to see the drummer curled up on the floor, fast asleep. The floor was carpeted and not the hard cellar floor he's been on for two months.

For a few moments he watched him and then realised that the blond had been lying on a cold basement floor for two months. He felt an overwhelming sadness for him as he took the pillow from his bed and lay down beside his friend, pulling the quilt over the two of them. He had expected that Roger may push him away in terror but he didn't. He let John put an arm around him and share the pillow with him. They had never spoken about it. It happened a few nights more, though and again, it was never mentioned. John never told Brian or Freddie. He would keep all of Roger's secrets. Whatever they were. 

It surprised John that Roger did let him let close after the horrible things that had happened to him. If Brian or Freddie put a hand on him, the bassist could tell he was trying so hard not to flinch, and thereby hurt their feelings.. But John touching him was different. The blond would lean into him, sometimes, when no one else was around and it made the bassist protective towards him.

But there were little instances of instability that slowly came out during that first month after he was rescued from the cellar. Things that had only caused the others to nod and perhaps raise an eyebrow, but was expected? He'd been held captive and tortured and couldn't possibly come back like his old self.

But the evening they had come home and seen the flat trashed and a naked drummer curled up in the corner of the cold kitchen floor they knew they couldn't deal with it themselves. They never would have dreamed when they had called the doctor and Jim that they wouldn't see the blond for a year. 

John had remembered the day so clearly. He couldn't watch them take Roger away. Jim had assured him it would be alright but the younger man just felt like he'd deserted the drummer. They should have worked together to help him. Couldn't they?

Jim, like a father, had shaken his head and rubbed the bassists shoulder. "He's in good hands, John." 

No one had realised they wouldn't be able to see the drummer till he was discharged. John had stayed in his room for two whole days, not eating and barely sleeping. hugging one of the blonds denim shirts to his face, sobbing. He didn't care what Freddie or Brian thought about it. He was grieving for the love of his life. 

But now Roger was back and John and he lay back after making out like teenagers to looks at the stars, holding hands and wondering where to go from here.

Downstairs, Brain shook his head. The brown curls dancing around his face. He and Freddie were sitting with Jim in the sitting room while John and Roger were on the roof,

"Split personality disorder? Roger?" He frowned and sat back n his chair. "Fuck."

"It's under control, Brian. We just have to make sure he gets to the therapist and takes his medication."

Freddie was trying to sound in control. He wasn't that confident, himself.

"Shouldn't Deaky be part of this conversation?" Freddie asked, lighting a cigarette.

"Why?" Brian raised his eyebrows and the singer shook his head.

"They spend a lot of time together.He's younger than Rog."Freddie lifted his hands. 

Brian gave him a 'whatever' look. 

"What is Jim doing here this late?" Roger and John had managed to go unnoticed into their bedroom.

"Don't know. Band stuff, I guess." John was concentrating on removing the drummers shirt and kissing his bare shoulders. 

"I makes me worried, though." Roger said to himself. But the feeling of the bassists mouth on his neck and his hand squeezing his ass, made him forget all of it. 

"Nothing to worry about, Rog." Deaky kissed him some more, knowing it would take his mind off whatever was bothering him.

"Rog? Are you okay?" John leaned on his elbow. It was 3 am and Roger was standing by the window looking at his reflection and talking as if he was having a disagreement with someone. But the someone was himself.


	4. He said. He said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really would like to hear your comments on how I am doing with this :)

"But he might come back for you, Roger."

"No, he can't. He's in prison for a long time. The lawyer told me. They won't let him out anytime soon."

"Doesn't matter. People like him have friends just as bad. You have to protect yourself, Rog."

"But Deaky won't let anything happen. And there's Freddie and Brian. Jim and..."

"Doesn't matter. They didn't help you the first time, did they?'

"Well, who knew Tim was such an asshole?"

"Bit more than just an asshole, baby. He fucked with your head as well as your body. You'll never be the same. Admit it."

"But what can I do?"

"You need your own protection. Get a knife from somewhere. A big sharp one."

"I can't carry a fucking knife around with me, can I? Don't be silly."

"Oh, right. I'm being silly. You were the one who trusted a rapist."

"I am stupid. I should have known. Maybe, you're right."

"Of course, I'm right. You have to start listening to me more. Just ask and I'll take over."

'S'right, I can manage, yeah. Just let me think about it. You don't have to keep checking up on me, yeah?"

"Okay. But do like I told you. Get a knife. Hide it under the mattress. Just make sure its sharp. Really sharp."

"Okay, okay. Just go, yeah? Deaky will be back soon."

It was the first big gig since Roger had come back from Scotland. He had introduced half of the songs and sung harmony or solo on more than half of them.

Freddie was thrilled with the audience response but Brian and John were just happy that the drummer looked comfortable back on the drum stool and seemed so happy to be with the band again. 

Deaky could hardly take his eyes off him. Just to see the blond twirling the drumsticks again felt like no time had past. The blond was wearing a skimpy top that made him look even younger than he was. It stared at the drummer as he tilted his head back, exposing his neck, his eyes half closed as he completed a short drum solo. He was like an angel. 

Roger had seemed to not lost any of his attraction for the female audience who were waiting for his autograph or to have a picture taken with him. He was gracious to all of them despite Brian's eye rolling every time a fan stopped them on the way out the door.

"C'mon Rog." Brian stopped each time to make his point and Freddie put a restraining arm on him. They had borrowed other bands drummers the past year and though they had been okay for the interim none of them had the looks or personality that Roger had nor the talent. 

Freddie had always known that they would have a better chance of landing a world tour now that Roger was back with him. There were meetings in the works about it. Their first two albums had put them out there and now the blond was back they could think about moving ahead. Good times were coming, he thought. 

"Give him a break, Bri. It's exciting for him to feel like he's just as popular as ever." Freddie nudged the guitarist who nodded.

"Yeah, I guess I'm just not use to him being back. Bit jealous, also." The taller man laughed at himself.

John was waiting patiently, as always till the last female fan had drifted off and the could leave, unhindered. There was an after party at a club in Chelsea and they were heading there next. 

"You looked good, tonight." They were sitting together in the back of the van. It was dark and they could hold hands without Brian or Freddie seeing them. John rubbed the top of the drummers hand with his thumb. That was pretty much the extent of their friendship so far. But after what had happened to the drummer the year before the bassist was taking his cues from the blond. Except for a make out session on the roof that night they had really had not done much more.

"Deaks?' Roger whispered in the brunettes ear and as the other man looked at him he mouthed. "Tonight.'

It was nearly sunrise before the band got home. They were tired but wound up at the same time. But Roger would never have gone to bed without a shower so as Brian and Freddie said goodnight and John headed to the bedroom he shared with the drummer. He noticed the mattress on Roger's bed was a little off the frame on and gave it a good push back before getting undressed down to his underpants and a tee shirt and getting into bed.

"Hey." Roger stood in the door way, towel drying his hair and wearing sweats. 

"Hey." John put his arm behind his head watching him. They could hear the beginnings of the dawn chorus outside as the birds woke up and the blond stopped drying his hair to listen.

"Only heard seagulls in Scotland." He nodded towards the window. "Bloody, screechy things, too." He sat down on the edge of John's bed and put the towel down on his lap.

"So?" he smirked as he felt the bassist stroke his arm and pull him down by the shoulder for a kiss.

"So." John mimicked him and ran a fingertip over the blonds lips. They stared at each other for a few moments. It was a loving look and they could almost hear each others hearts beat in anticipation of what was going to come next.

"Come on." John lifted the covers up and pulled a slightly damp haired drummer into his arms. They kissed, slowly and sweetly, John being as gentle and unthreatening a he could be considering how much he wanted to have sex with the blond. 

In the end it was Roger who decided what would happen and as he seemed to grow sleepier with each long kiss, he finally closed his eyes, his head tucked under the bassists chin and fell asleep. John pulled the covers up over them both. He carefully arranged Rogers damp hair over one shoulder so it wouldn't kink up by morning and cause a fashion hazard.

'I did. I put it where you said. Can't I just sleep for fucks sake?" 

"Okay. Just asking. I don't know everything you do, right?" 

"Leave me alone when I'm with him. Just go. Now." 

John's eyes flew open. He thought he'd been dreaming and then that Freddie or Brian were in the room. He looked down at the peacefully sleeping blond who had just apparently had a conversation with himself.

'Must be dreaming. Weird.' The brunette thought to himself and tried to go back to sleep but he had a bad feeling and couldn't get his head around what had just happened. 

"Morning, beautiful." John was woken by a wet kiss on his neck and opened his eyes to see the blond proffering a glass of orange juice.

"Gets rid of morning breath." The drummer chuckled as John leaned on his elbow and took a few sips than fell back on the pillows. He glanced at the bedside clock. It was nearly noon. Freddie and John must be still asleep as he couldn't hear any chatter or smell coffee and toast. 

He pulled the now naked blond back into bed and shimmied out of his underpants throwing them in a corner of the room and pulling off his tee shirt. He pulled Roger on top of him and holding his hands gently on either side of his head kissed him as softly as he could but passion took over and they were soon moaning Ito each others mouths.

"May I touch you?" John whispered, as he turned the blond on his side and slid his hands down his side to his bum.

"Mmmm." Roger was in another world. It was the first time he had felt normal and was happy for anything John had in mind but he didn't think he'd last long. The brunettes fingers were doing wonderful things to his cock and as they pressed their hips against each other John pulled the blonds leg over his hip and continued the friction between the two of them till they both came with seconds of each other. 

They lay side by side, John holding Rogers hand against his heart. They had finally got this far. The blond seemed okay with it and John was glad he had taken everything slowly. It was like heaven lying naked next to the love of his life. He stroked back the blonds damp hair from his face and wondered how anyone could have wanted to harm him. 

He marvelled at the long dark eyelashes against the pale skin, the pouty slick lips, slightly parted showing perfect white teeth. But something, was niggling at his memory and then he remembered Roger's 'dream' if thats what it was from earlier. Then there had been the other night when he thought the blond was sleep walking but seemed to be having a conversation with himself.

He looked at the half asleep drummer and ran his finger along his smooth jawline and sighed. There were so many questions he wanted to ask him. What had happened in Scotland that had prevented him from coming back for one thing. 

And there had been that first night when Roger had told him that strange story about the sanitorium that hadn't made sense when he had thought about if afterwards. It was as if Roger was recounting someone else's experiences.

"Rog? You awake?" John kissed his forehead. The blond stirred in his arms. 

"Mmmm?" He sighed and pushed himself into John's warm body.

"Thank you." The brunette whispered.

"For what?" Blue eyes looked into his.

"Just for being you. That's all." John kissed his forehead. 'Go back to sleep, sweetheart."

Brian and Freddie had gone for a walk. They didn't want Roger or John to overhear them.

"We have to talk this over with Deaky, Fred. It's not fair. He has to know."

"I know. He just seems so young to take this on."

"Fred, he has taken it on. You know he loves Roger, don't you? He always has."


	5. I Never Knew it Could be This Good

Roger had resigned himself to the fact that he was going to die in the damp, cold cellar. He had no idea how long he'd been there. He's been drugged, raped and left naked in complete darkness. He remembered hearing stories of prisoners of war and thought that must be what was happening. He'd lost sense of himself and who he was alarmingly quickly.

At first, he thought it was all a joke. That Tim was pulling some stupid prank on him just to get his attention but he soon realised that wasn't what was happening at all. Tim meant to kill him. he told him. But first he was going to make him suffer. When Roger asked why the ex singer of Smile punched him till he blacked out and then raped him when he was unconscious.

"Rog. Rog. Wake up. You're having a bad dream, baby." John gently touched the drummers arm. Blue eyes opened quickly and John saw the terror in them till the blond realised he was in bed with his boyfriend and not in the cellar. He waited till Roger calmed down. He hated to think what terrors he had been dreaming. How do you stop nightmares?

"Do you want to talk about it?" John stroked back the blonds hair behind his ear and held his hand in his.

Roger was always amazed how Deaky could always do the right thing at the right time. He never pushed anything but just waited patiently.

But Roger felt like he could never tell John about the horror he went through. He felt protective for the younger man at the same time he was being protected. He didn't want him to know because he would take on the pain himself.

"No, it's okay Deaks. Just a bad dream. Just seemed real, yeah?"

"I'll get us some coffee and bring it back. Do you want toast or anything?" John was sliding out of the bed. He recognised the blond needed a few minutes to recover on his own. He left the door ajar so Roger could see him in the kitchen. That was another thing. The drummer felt better if he could see his flatmates. Except for the bathroom they didn't shut their doors because a shut door terrified the blond still. Not knowing what was going to come out of it. 

He'd told the therapist at the sanatorium about how some days Tim would be nice to him. He would make him a nice meal and let him have a bath. He would soothe him and put antiseptic on any cuts he'd given him. But that just meant that the next day would be bad and he'd be beaten black and blue. So, he learned just to let his body rest the good days and the others. Well, he learned a remedy for that. He let his other self take over and feel the pain for him. It worked. For awhile. But the terror never left him. 

"Here you go." John waited till Roger was sitting up in bed, his bare chest pale in the morning light. The physical scars had mostly all gone now and even thought the bassist hadn't been told the full story, he could see for himself that first month after Roger had been rescued. But it was over a year now and the blond, outwardly, looked the same as before. 

John handed him the mug of coffee and put the plate of toast within reach before getting back into bed beside him. 

They had a busy day ahead and it was nice to have a few minutes t themselves before they had to pack up the van and head to the gig in Birmingham. It was Rogers first concert since getting home and he'd been looking forward to it. He's been rehearsing with the group all week and was back to his usual form.

So far, since Roger had come back from Scotland they hadn't done much more than make out which was fine with the brunette but he knew Roger felt guilty as if he thought he should be more sexual. John tried to show him that didn't matter. He didn't know how much Roger wanted to have sex with him. 

They sat up in bed, the pillows behind them. Roger reached for the plate of toast and set it on his drawn up knees.

"Best part of the day." John wrapped his arm around the drummers bare shoulders and kissed the top of his head.

"I agree." The blond leaned his head closer to the brunettes and sighed. There were so many things he wanted to say. So many things he wanted to tell John but he let himself enjoy the moment and closed his eyes in pleasure. If it had to be just this till he got himself together enough then that was okay.  
  


The toast was finished and there was still time before they had to get up. Roger turned into John's side and crossed his leg over his. He was feeling warm and lazy and very horny. 

"Deaky?" Roger lifted his head and looked into the grey green eyes. "I really wanna have sex with you. Like, really." He pressed his lips together. searching John's eyes for any idea how they could make this happen without him freaking out. 

Tim had been the last person touching his body like that and he didn't want old nightmares to resurface with John, whom he loved so much, it hurt. 

John stroked back the blond hair and sighed. "Me, too." He admitted. "A lot." He grinned. "But only if your absolutely sure.' He said softly. "Are you?" 

Roger lay back, his head on the pillow next to John. "I just want it to happen and not have to think about it, Deaky."   
  


"I know." John sighed. He thought for a moment. "Rog?" Even thought they were alone, he whispered something in his ear.

Roger frowned and thought about what he had heard then smiled a very slow smile and nodded. John kissed him. 

"Yeah?" He asked softly. He reached his hand over to the bedside table drawer and pulled out the tube of lube. He paused as a beautifully naked Roger straddled his hips. John put his hands on either side of the blonds face and lifted his head to kiss him. 

"I love you so much." He looked into the deep blue eyes and saw only calm. This may just be the answer. He squeezed the lube onto his fingers and looking again for any sign from the blond he slowly entered his finger into him and Roger moaned, lowering his head over John's shoulder. John paused and then pushed further, hoping to prep him as much as he could. 

"Tell me if you want to stop, sweetheart." John whispered but there was no reply other then a drawn out sigh of pleasure and he smiled. After a another couple of minutes the blond said he was ready and lowered himself slowly onto him, pausing every so often till he finally bottomed out and they looked into eachother eyes.

Roger never felt anything so wonderful as this. All thoughts of sex with Tim had left him and been replaced with feeling the love of his life inside him. He steadied himself holding onto the brunettes legs from behind him and lifted and lowered his hips enjoying the mix of pain and pleasure till there was only pleasure. He looked into John's green eyes and saw the same feeling. The brunettes hands were grasping his hips gently, guiding the speed and then they moved to the blonds head pulling him down to kiss him deeply and gently tugged on the blond locks causing Roger to moan into his mouth.

"I love you so much." John whispered as Roger rested his forehead on his lover's shoulder, his breathing coming in short gasps as he neared his climax.

John wrapped his fingers around the blonds length and moved them quickly up and down. "C'mon, baby. Let go now. I'm going to....", He climaxed inside the blond who immediately did the same and collapsed on top of the brunette as John wrapped his arms around him and him tightly.

"Oooh." Roger lifted his head and looked down. "Bit messy, huh? Sorry." He dropped his face back down and nuzzled the bassists neck. "That was so good," He sighed. 

"Yeah. It really was, Rog. I love you so much." John kissed the damp forehead and stroked back the blond hair. "I'll clean us up in a bit. Just rest, yeah?" He whispered. He closed his eyes. He had had no thought earlier that this would happen. It was his first time with another man but he knew it was right. He and Roger belonged to each other, now. He'd waited over a year to let him know how much he loved him and to show it physically. He couldn't remember ever feeling so happy.

"I love you." Rogers eyes were half closed as he lay by John's side and idly drawing small circles on the brunettes chest. "That was a good idea, Deaky." He smirked and kissed the others arm.

"Just a bit of problem solving." John turned and smirked at him. "God, you are so beautiful." He sighed. "I can't believe it, sometimes." He gently touched Rogers face and kissed him almost chastely. 

"Mmmm." The blond sighed sleepily and John thought he better get up and clean up and bring back a warm wash cloth for Roger who was obviously going to sleep. He slid out of bed whispering he'd be back in a minute.

Roger frowned. The voice in his head made his eyes open wide. Not now. Please God, not now.

'So you got what you wanted. Now what?'

'Leave me alone. I want too stay in bed with Deaky. Leave. Now!' 

'You trust him? Look what happened when you trusted Tim, huh. He raped you and left you to die in that cellar.'

'It's not the same. Deaky loves me and I love him.'

'Give it a rest mate. You are so stupid. You get sucked into thinking someone loves you and its your body. It always has been.

'Go away, now. I mean it.'

"Okay, okay. But remember the knife is under the mattress, yeah?'

Roger sat up and closed his eyes tightly. "I know the knife is under the mattress. I know. I know."

John stood in the doorway, his eyes wide with shock. "Rog. Whats wrong. What knife?" He sat down on the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around Roger's shoulders. The blond looked at him. His face had gone white with trepidation.

"Deaky. Please make the voice go away. You can fix anything, Please? For me?" 

Roger looked at John so sincerely, expecting he could make whatever was wrong, right.

"Rog. Wheres this knife?' He looked into the blue eyes. "Where is it?"

"Under the mattress." The blond pointed to his own bed and John stood up and walked the couple of steps to the drummers bed.

He paused for a second and then lifted up the mattress. "Rog, there's nothing here." He looked over his shoulder at the blond.

"It isn't?" Roger frowned and chewed the nail on his finger. "Where did he put it, then?" He sighed and fell back on the pillow.

John took hold of the washcloth again and did what he had set out to do and lovingly cleaned the blonds tummy.

"Rog?" he finished what he was doing and pulled the blond into his arms, cradling his head on his shoulder. "Who is it that had the knife? Please tell me, baby.'

"The other Roger." Was the answer and John realised what the odd conversations were in the middle of the night and that the horrors that Roger had gone through had left more fears then of being alone in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear comments


	6. Chapter 6

Roger felt like he'd been walking for hours but in reality it had been only two. Still, he was exhausted and sat down on a bench near the river. It was a cold morning and he shivered. He'd never like being cold for an instant. The others use to tease him about it but it was a good excuse for John to hug him when no one was looking. He smiled to himself. He loved Deaky more than anyone in the world next to his mother and sister and of course that was different.

"Alright, Sir?" A police constable was standing in front of him. It startled him for a second because he thought he was alone.

"Yes. Thank you." Roger smiled his most winning smile and dug in his pockets for his cigarettes. 'Just stopping for a smoke." He added. The constable seemed satisfied and moved on, whistling to himself.

Roger breathed as sigh of relief. The police didn't scare him but what he was thinking did. He lit his cigarette and blew the smoke up into the air.

"Excuse me, Sir." The constable was walking back, a frown on his face.

"Calm down, Roger." The drummer thought to himself. He can't read your thoughts, can he?

"Yes?' The smile again.

"You're in that rock band thats playing at the Hammersmith, aren't you?" The constable was younger than he appeared at first.

A fan, Roger thought to himself. He nodded. "Yes."

"Ah, I thought so. My fiancé and I have tickets for Saturday. Looking forward to it. Well, good day again, Sir." He was walking away and Roger was half surprised he hadn't asked for an autograph, thats usually what happened. Problem was now he was recognised and that wasn't part of his plan.

Roger finished his cigarette and walked down to the river. It was strange looking up at the bridge and not looking down from it. He could hear the cars above, rumbling by. 

John had woken earlier to an empty bed and put his arm behind his had. Roger must be in the shower or getting some breakfast. He could hear Freddie talking so they must all be in the kitchen. He glanced at his watch and sighed. He really should get up. But he was replaying in his head the conversation he's had with Roger the night before. He couldn't make sense of it and half hoped he'd imagined the whole thing. 

John's thoughts went back to having sex with the blond and how good it was. He'd been so afraid the blond would have wanted to stop half way but he hadn't and it had been wonderful for both of them. At least it had been for him and Roger had looked happy and satisfied. 

"Morning." John had pulled on sweats and a tee shirt. "Wheres Rog?" John already used the bathroom and it had been empty.

"Obviously, not with you and not here." Brian looked at Freddie who shrugged.

"I've been up a couple of hours and haven't seen him. I thought he was with you." 

Brian looked at the younger musician with concern. "Deaks, are you worried?" 

"Yeah, I am." The brunette took a deep breath. He didn't want to tell Brian and Freddie the conversation about the knife last night but now there was no choice. Roger may be in danger from both his 'selves'. 

"After he'd finished Freddie told him about their conversation with Jim and that they had to be prepared for Roger to go away again. It was a possibility.

John had gone pale at the thought and put his face in his hands. It reminded Freddie of those first few weeks when Roger was in Scotland and the young bassist would come to his room in tears. Pleading with the singer to find some way to bring Roger back home.

Freddie put his arm around the younger man and nodded for Brian to call Jim.

"Deaks, he's probably just gone for a walk to clear his head, yeah?" Freddie rubbed the bassists back. "We'll find him. He may even turn up any minute."

John looked at the older man with sad, tear stained eyes. "Do you think so?" He tired to smile and nodded. "Yeah, I'll get dressed and see if I can find him. he can't be far." He took a gulp of the hot coffee Brian and put in front of him and went to change.

Brian was waiting for Jim to come to the phone. He quickly explained what had happened and Jim said he would be right over and that not to worry, the drummer had probably just gone for a walk. But even he, didn't sound convinced.

Brian said he would go with John and quickly got dressed. Freddie would stay in case Roger came home and to meet Jim when he arrived. He called out to John that he would downstairs for him and wondered aloud if they should take the van.

John had been about to leave when he went back to the bedroom and grabbed Roger's duffle coat. He must have worn his leather jacket and it would be cold as a wind had struck up.

Freddie smiled. John was worth his weight in gold as a boyfriend. 

"Just do it, Roger. Fuck, they don't care. You're the biggest liability to them. What happens if you freak out during Saturdays' concert. Fuck. It'll be in all the papers."

"But there's my mom and Claire. It would kill them." 

"You are such a baby, Taylor. They got on well without you when you've been in London. So, they'll be upset but think of the favour your doing them? The embarrassment." 

Roger stared up at the bridge. He could feel the knife in his pocket. He'd thought the voice had left for awhile. He hated these long arguments. Just some peace from that would be good. He sighed and sat on a rock and lit another cigarette and shivered. The cold seemed to go through to his bones. He held the smoke between his fingers and brought out the knife. He hated knives.

""Lets try here, Deaks. I'll park the van. Luckily, it's early and there are lots of spots to park." Brian was basically talking to himself as John was watching out the window, chewing on his nail. Every o often he would tell Brian to stop because he thought he had seen their friend and each time he was disappointed Brian felt broken hearted for him.

"Now, Sir. What are you doing way down here and on such a chilly morning?" It was the young constable and he was looking in the direction Roger was.

"You sure get around." Roger smirked. 'Smoke?" He held out the packet and the young man took one.

"Thank you." He excepted the light the blond held up. "Nice morning, really. Quiet. You can be alone with your thoughts."

"Yeah, all of them." Roger scoffed and stretched his legs .

"Sir?" The uniformed man looked at him questioningly.

"My name is Roger." The blond put his hand out and the two men shook hands but the constable didn't introduce himself.

"Your friends are probably worried about you. Best to get home." The constable took a final drag of his cigarette and threw it into the river. "I best be getting back to my rounds." He smiled kindly. Are those your friends?" He nodded towards the top of bridge steps that led to the river and Roger turned in that direction. Brian's hair was unmistakable even at a distance.

"Yeah, that's them." Roger answered but the policeman was walking away. The drummer was still surprised he hadn't asked for an autograph.

He waved to his friends. John was carrying the duffle coat and Roger smirked. "Fuck, Deaks I was so cold." He stood up as the two musicians reached him.

"That policeman was determined I should go home." He nodded towards the steps.

"What policeman, Rog?" John and Brian looked over their shoulders. 'Didn't see anyone."

Roger stared at the steps and then the bridge. Fuck, am I imagining policeman now? He asked himself.

He put the wool coat on over his leather jacket. He wanted to ask why they were there. How they had found him but right now he was grateful they had. 

Brian drove the van back to the flat with the two younger musicians in the back. John had his arm around the blonds but they didn't speak. His other hand held the blonds cold hand inside the pocket of the coat. Both were afraid to say anything. The conversation from the night before still hung between them. 

Neither Brian or John mentioned that Jim would no doubt be at the flat. As they walked up the two flights John whispered to the blond that they had been worried about him. 

"I'm sorry, Deaky." Roger waited till Brian had turned away and it was safe to give the brunette a kiss but he pulled away when he heard Jim's voice in the living room. 

Brian, Freddie and Jim smiled as the two younger musicians came into the room. It had been decided between Freddie and Jim that if Roger turned up they wouldn't mention their being worried about him so much that they had called their manager.

But then Roger did something that shocked them all. He took off his duffle coat and from the pocket of his leather jacket he brought out a six inch knife. He put it gently on the table and without another word he went into the bedroom he shared with John and shut the door. 

The other four men all looked at each other in silence. John stared at the bedroom door and then back to Jim. 

"Uh, what just happened?" Brian finally broke the silence.

"I guess he's telling us he needs help." Freddie looked aghast at the knife. "Where did you and Bri find him?"

"By the river." Brian looked at John and wished he smoked. He needed something to calm his nerves. There had been something so lost in Roger's eyes but he did think it meant he was telling them he needed help.

Jim picked up the knife. "Is it from the kitchen?" He looked at Freddie, who nodded. 

"You won't make him go away again, Jim?" The bassists voice cracked.

"No, John. We'll figure out something out." He got up. 'I'll give his doctor in Scotland a call and get his advice." 

"I'm going to see if Rog is alright." John went into the bedroom and shut the door. Roger had gotten undressed and was in bed, the covers pulled up over his shoulders, fast asleep as if he'd never been up at all.

John chuckled and pulled off his own jeans and got under the covers pulling Roger towards him. He wanted to hide away with him, too. He wanted to ask him what he had been doing with the knife but that could wait. He was safe and he'd handed over the knife.

Roger wasn't asleep but he didn't want to talk even though he knew John wouldn't make him. He knew his friends cared about him but they were not doubt talking about the knife. It was the only way he could get back at the voice and get some peace for at least another day. 

Roger kissed John's neck, giving away the fact that he wasn't actually asleep. 

"Rog?" John whispered and the blond opened his eyes. There were tears rolling down the brunettes face and he looked sadder than the blond had ever seen him.

"Oh, Deaks. I'm sorry." Roger wrapped his arms around his lover. 'I'm so sorry." But the brunette was sobbing now and there was nothing the blond could do but hold him tightly and tell him it would be okay. 


	7. For The Day I Will  Never Let You Go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter explores Roger and Deaky's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter makes sense.  
> Jim is going to be instrumental in getting help for Roger.

Roger was sure that they would send him away again. He'd scared them badly with the knife but it was John that the blond was more worried about. Worried more than for even his own well being.

The bassist breaking down like that when he had always been so strong. He had cursed himself for doing anything that had upset John who was the youngest and who he had loved from the first moment he met him.

"Sweetheart?" Roger kissed the bassists forehead. They'd fallen asleep together but it was only mid morning and they should get up and 'face the music' with Jim and the others.

"Too comfy to move." John had mumbled against Roger's shoulder. He loved it when those strong drummers arms were wrapped around him. It took him back to before Roger had gone away and they'd spend lazy Sunday mornings together. But things had subtly changed and their relationship had done a turn around.But sometimes, like now, he could pretend it was the way it was.

"I'm good with that." The blond chuckled. He could never believe how really hot the shy bassist was. He may have been shy outwardly but in bed he was passionate and resourceful. Sex wasn't just that with him. It was much, much more.

"I've got his invisible enemy inside my head." Roger explained. All four men including Jim were listening to him. They were sitting in the living room and Roger had tried to be honest about everything. 

"They said, at the place in Scotland, that I was alright, now. But I didn't tell them I could still hear the voice because I wanted to come home." He got tears in his eyes and looked so lost John put his arm around him.

"I really don't want to go back." He looked at them all. 

Everyone was silent for a moment. Freddie was watching John who emotionally and romantically had the most to lose. He could almost feel the pain he was feeling but for himself it went even deeper, if that was possible. The two had been friends for years and the number of times the drummer had saved Freddie's ass he didn't like to count. Too many times.

"I'll do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen, Roger." Jim looked at him sincerely. "You've gone through a hell of a lot and going back to Scotland seems more of a step backwards, yeah?"

"Thanks, Jim." Roger just wanted to go and be by himself. His little confession had taken a lot out of him and he felt bad for his friends who had supported him all this time.

Roger stood up." I'm going to go for a walk." He almost asked permission like he would have at the place in Scotland. 

He knew John wanted to go with him and even though he sort of wanted to be on his own having his boyfriends company would be nice. John never expected him to talk if he didn't feel like it.

"Come with me, Deaks?" He smiled at the bassist nodded.

"Jim?" Brian looked at the older man after the two younger men had left the flat. "Do you have a plan?" 

"I do." Jim sat back against the couch. "We'll get him the help he needs. I just have to make a few phone calls and guys...he is definitely not being sent anywhere. I really regret that he was away that long but we took it from the medical team in Scotland it would be best. Didn't seem to help, really, dit it"?

!8 months before

"But you were taking their side against me. Again, I might add." Roger was furious. He was use to Freddie contradicting Brian and then the guitarist taking it out on him but he never expected Deaky to join in.

"What was that about, Deaky?" Roger blew the smoke from his cigarette in the air and frowned. 

"Sorry, Rog. I actually misheard what Brian had said." John offered lamely and didn't expect Roger to believe him or really even hear him. 

The walked together but Roger always walked faster then he was annoyed and John was finding it hard to keep up with him.

"Trying to lose me, Rog?" He asked frowning.

"No, sorry." The drummer slowed down a bit but was still complaining about how drummers were ill treated. 

To be fair, John agreed with him and had quite often silenced the other two when the blond was trying to make a point behind the massive drum kit. Brian would roll his eyes at being forced to listen and Freddie would make 'yapping' signs with his hands.

A couple of times the bassist had really felt bad for Roger. He had just as much input as the others that was worth listening to and sometimes made much more sense. But John was the youngest and tired to keep his mouth shut. 

"Pub or home?" Roger looked at the brunette through a cloud of smoke as he lit a cigarette.

"Home for me. "I've got a couple of letters to write and I want to finish that song for the rehearsal on Saturday." John expected Roger would just walk on to the pub without another word. He was in that kind of pissy mood but instead the blond nodded as if it sounded like a good idea to him.

The two musicians picked up some sandwiches at the local deli and took them home with them. It was a warm night and after they'd taken turns showering they changed in cut off for John and Roger found an old pair of red cotton gym shorts that looked like they'd seen better days. 

The two shared a bedroom and had opened the large window to let in the breeze. Each had a can of beer beside them and Roger, wearing only the gym shorts was half sitting, his back against the pillows and balancing an ashtray on his bare tummy.

John had started writing his letters home but got bored and had picked up his acoustic guitar and was making notations in a notebook then sticking the pen behind his ear and picking out a few notes. Every so often he would look over at the blond who was in a cloud of smoke. He wondered what he was thinking but didn't dare ask. He was just glad the window was open.

Roger had washed his hair like he did each time he showered. It lay in damp tendrils on his shoulders and was humming something that made the bassist look up at him as it completes threw him off his writing.

"Rog, what is that you're humming?" He finally asked and sighed. 

"Just a new song I wrote. I call it Drowse." Roger turn and looked at the brunette and smirked. 

"Lets hear it then." John handed his guitar to the blond and sat back against the wall with his beer. 

Roger tossed is head as if to day okay and after a few practice chords on the guitar started singing the song. At end John looked at him in amazement. 

"That was beautiful, mate. Really." He looked with admiration at the drummer. 

"Thanks. Maybe, I can get it on an album." He scoffed and raised an eyebrow before handing the guitar back.

"Honestly, Rog? I wouldn't be surprised. It really is so different from your usual songs." John leaned the guitar against the desk and continued to sip his beer. His own song sounded inadequate, now.

"Mmmm." Roger sighed and lay back, his arm behind his head. The ashtray, however stayed on the desk that was in between their two single beds. 

"It's a lot cooler, now." John observed and pulled his long, wavy brown hair over one shoulder, his skinny legs in the cut off hanging over the side of the bed.

"Deaky? Are you ever curious?" The blond turned and looked at him.

"Curious about what?" John was playing along with the game. 

"You know." The drummer leaned on his elbow and looked serious. "I was just lying here thinking about it and wondered.

"Rog, really I have no idea what you're talking about." John frowned and got up. 'I'll get another couple of beers. Hold the thought, I guess." He rolled his eyes and padded barefoot into the kitchen and returned with two icy cans of lager. 

"Thanks, mate." Roger popped the can open and after taking a few steps turned his head again and looked at the bassist who was back to his notebook and pen.

"So. Do you?" Roger wasn't going to let whatever it was go and John put down his notebook and looked at him.

"Out with it, Rog. I can't the suspense." John pretended annoyance.

"Ever get curious about trying something different?" The blond narrowed his eyes wondering why the brunette wasn't getting this.

"You mean something different in what way, Rog?" John drew the words out. He was catching on now and he wasn't sure if he wanted to. Roger could be quite a tease and it wasn't the first time he'd been drawn into one of these discussions.

"Alright, I'll play along." John had decided he'd turn the tables on the blond and act not according to what he would normally do. He got and came over to Roger's bed and sat on the edge of it, his arms crossed.

"Deaky. I am serious." Roger did look hurt and John instantly regretted taking the question so lightly. 

"Oh, Rog. I"m sorry, mate." John smiled. "Let's start again, yeah?' 

Roger sighed and sat up straighter. The mood in the room had changed and John watched as the blond drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around his legs. 

"I wrote 'Drowse' for you, Deaks. It just reminded me of all the things we've done together, you know." There was a different quality to the drummers voice and John had the feeling he had better be taking this seriously.

"Really?" John was so touched. He was a sensitive person. People thought he was sarcastic and uncaring sometimes but he wasn't. He knew when his friend was hurting. They'd shared a room for a long time and had been through each other's relationship highs and lows

"I was thinking about last New Years Eve. Remember? On the roof?' Roger looked at the brunette almost shyly. 

"I do remember, Rog." John remembered being on the roof in the cold with the blond. They were having a smoke and Roger was hiding for some reason. He'd laughed that they should be kissing someone because it was 12 o'clock and there was only the two of them. John had laughed and said something about the famous 'Taylor kiss' before he got the full 'hit' of it. But as Roger had never said anything the next day he had stored it away in his mind not to be thought of. iIt was a 'one off'.

"I do remember." John reached his hand out and touched the blonds hair. He remembered the kiss, alright. It had surprised him. The warm feeling he'd felt immediately in his lower body. He blushed thinking about it. 

John slid his hand into between the blonds that her around his knees and squeezed his fingers. He had realised in that moment that Roger was trying to tell him something he had always realised, at least since New Years and probably before. So many feeling collided at the same moment when he looked into the blonds blue eyes. He saw the other mans fragility and strength and his romantic heart. He knew he couldn't possibly push it away or treat it lightly. 

After that everything had fallen into place. John had taken Roger's feelings seriously at last. He had heard him. 

"Maybe, you should take those gym shorts off, Rog. They don't really suit you, you know." John had teased him and the blond had smirked and as John stood up he lifted his hips and slid the red shorts off.

"Move over, then." The bassist tapped the drummers bare thighs and unzipped his cut offs." 

""So, you are curious, then?" " Roger lifted his arms and stretched his limbs wantonly as the brunette took his face in his hands and kissed him. It was at once sweet and also erotic. John knew he had to take control. Roger had told him in so many ways that's what he wanted even though the bassist was two years younger than him. 

"Yeah, I am actually." John kissed the blonds outstretched neck and pulled him into his arms. He abandoned any second thoughts because somehow, he knew this was right.

They had been together since then. Hardly ever sleeping apart until the awful day when Roger had been held captive for nearly two months and had never been that carefree soul of that day. John grieved for those couple of months before everything changed.

Now, as they walked along the streets, chatting about anything that came to their minds, John hoped that the 'other Roger' would disappear and he could have his old Roger back again but as the same time he had these thoughts his lover was having internal fight with himself that he felt like he was losing.

"Why do you trust him? Remember Tim?'

"But Deaky does love me."

"Oh, please. You have to protect yourself. You were crazy to give them the knife. And now they'll probably lock you away again.'

"They wouldn't. They promised."

Roger stopped to look in a store window. He realised he'd been talking to himself. He looked at John, who was placidly standing next to him. Deaky would never hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments always welcome!!


	8. Chapter 8

Brian felt as if he'd been fighting his attraction for Roger for years but then when he counted backwards it had literally been four years. He didn't think either he or the drummer were bi or gay, so what was it? Just a crush? 

Brian had been the first of them to see Roger immediately after being rescued from Tim's cellar. The guitarist had been horrified by the state the blond drummer was in. The filth and the smell of the place. He'd lost so much weight and his beautiful hair was filthy. He could hardly open his eyes to focus on Brian but when he had heard Brian's voice the old smirk had crossed his lips and the guitarist knew there was still hope.

He remembered holding him close till the ambulance came, wrapping a blanket around the boney shoulders and gently rocking him like a child. The police had left the alone. They didn't need to question Roger immediately. What had happened to him was self evident. 

Roger had hardly been able to talk, his voice just a whisper. "Don't let Deaky see me like this." He had begged the older musician and the curly haired guitarist had nodded his understanding and tightened his hold on him.

It had been even more horrifying when after the initial examination at the hospital Brian had been allowed to bathe the drummer. Luckily they had managed to get him a private room with a bathtub and had privacy. 

Brian had had to change he water in the bath twice, just so that in the end he could properly wash the blonds hair and his face. He was as gentle as he remembered his own mother being. He carefully soaped a wash cloth and dabbed at the dirt and bruises. It was heartbreaking and he had to stop himself from crying a few times but Roger was just looking down at his drawn up knees the whole time and every so often would grab the brunettes hand in his fingers and just hold it for a few moments. There were silent tears flowing down his cheeks and the guitarist caught a sob in his own throat.

"Its okay, Rog. Really." Brian allowed himself to kiss the top of the blonds head and even held the fingers to his lips. 

Roger had hardly spoken and Brian wondered if he was really conscious that he had been rescued or did he think this was a dream. 

Then suddenly Roger asked just that question. "I'm not dreaming, Bri? Am I?" The blue eyes, that were still beautiful looked into his.

"Not a dream, Rog. You're safe now, yeah." Brian stopped what he was doing. Waiting for Roger to ask more but he didn't.

"I'm going to wash your hair now, blondie." He teased him and again the smirk. 

"Sorry, about all this." Rogers voice was raspy and faint.

Brian chuckled in answer, trying to make light of something that was probably deeply embarrassing to the drummer.

Brian reached for a plastic jug near the bath and filled it with warm water to rinse the blonds hair before using the shampoo. It took three lots of shampoo to finally get it clean. The hospital didn't have conditioner so once Roger was out of the bath and carefully dried Brian got him into a pair of pyjamas that hospital provided and carefully combed the blonds hair to get out the tangles. 

He thought normally, when Freddie combed the drummers hair he complained but there wasn't a peep out of him. He leaned back into Brians chest and the guitarist steadied him with a hand on his arm. Even his arms were so thin. They'd lost the muscle that he had from drumming. Even his fingers were thinner. 

After Brian had finished combing out the tangles he put the comb down and gently crossed his arms over the blonds chest, holding him for a moment. They were were sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You're safe Rog." He had whispered. "We won't let go of you." 

"I think I better brush my teeth." Roger sighed. "I think my gums are bleeding." He looked ruefully at the other man,

"Of course, Rog." Brian had took him back to the bathroom and ran the toothbrush under the water and put the paste on it. But Roger found it difficult to hold and blushed when Brian told him to open his mouth and he carefully brushed his teeth for him avoiding the gums which were red looking.

"They'll get someone to look at you about that, Rog. I'll make sure." Brian said softly. 

"Thanks for all this, Bri. I didn't want Deaky to see me like I was." The blond sighed. He felt as if all his energy had gone now and he leaned into the taller man and rested his head against his chest. He had craved the comfort of his friends the last two months to an unbearable degree. Brian could feel that emotion from him.

The nurse had come in to give him an injection so that he could sleep and Brian had promised he'd be there when he woke up. Freddie and Deaky would see him the next day when he'd rested.

"Bri?" Roger coughed and the older man gave held the glass of water with a straw in it to his lips. He noticed the blonds lips were cracked and went back to the bathroom for some vaseline and gently applied a bit.

"My make up." Roger smiled. "Usually, do my own."

"Brat." Brian grinned at him. The blonds sense of humour was showing. 

"I was going to ask if you knew about me and Deaky?" Roger frowned.

"Kinda guessed, Rog. No problem. Really." Brian tucked the blonds hair behind his ear. He wondered what Roger thought of all this physical gentleness. 

"Bri, you won't leave?" Roger reached for his hand. 

"No, I'll stay till you're asleep Rog and be back when you wake up, okay?"

Brian was remembering all this after the conversation he had had with Jim and Freddie about Roger's illness.

Was that the right word? He asked himself. Someone had and something was fucking with his mind but he would stop anyone from taking his away from them or Deaky.

So, they were going to get a separate evaluation from a psychiatrist as soon as possible and Roger's GP had temporarily given a stronger dose of the meds he had that would last a week till the psychiatrist saw him.

Freddie had said good bye to Jim and sat down next to Brian on the couch. "I can't believe it. It never stops. Poor Roger, it's so fucking unfair." Freddie lit a cigarette and for once Brian didn't complain about the smoke.

John and Roger had stopped at the pub on the way home. One down a little side street where they wouldn't be known or recognised.

Roger had managed to still the voice in his head. He wanted to enjoy John's company and do something normal for a change. John bought them both a whiskey and a pack of crisps. Things he knew Roger would have missed the last year. The clinic had had him on a strict healthy diet. But he looked too thin to Deakys mind. 

"This is nice, Deaks. Thanks." Roger lit a cigarette and blew the smoke above his head. He smirked at John who smiled at him. Same old Rog with the smokes.

"Did they let you smoke there?" John asked and when the drummer shook his head no the bassist laughed.

"So, really, you shouldn't have the addiction anymore?" He teased.

"Old habits, Deaks." The blond tossed his hair and the brunette wished he could just kiss him there and then. He loved when the happy Roger appeared and could almost forget about the voices and the knife and the discussion they would eventually have to have with Jim.

"What would you like to do for the rest of the day, Rog?" John asked the question sincerely and laughed when the blond rolled his eyes.

"Besides that." John chuckled but he felt proud just the same. His love life with Roger was important to them both. Just having him back to sleep with all night was almost enough for him. Almost.

Sometimes he thought back to the first time he had seen him at the hospital after he'd been rescued. He knew that Brian had been with him in the beginning and that Roger hadn't wanted his 'boyfriend' to see him the way he had been. He was grateful to Brian for doing all this. It wouldn't have made difference to him but he knew it had been important to the drummer.

Roger had looked so frail, sitting up in the bed, trying to look cheerful and almost succeeding. John had been afraid that the blond would flinch when he touched him but he didn't. He wasn't to know that the drummer would dream of John touching him and holding his hand and telling him it was a bad dream. 

'Hey, Deaks." Roger smiled at him shyly. 

John sat down on the chair next to him and looking into the blue eyes took his hand gently in his. 

"Okay, to kiss you?" He asked biting his lower lip. Maybe it wouldn't be okay?

"Yeah. Please." Roger had smirked and John had leaned over to kiss him on the lips softly. Roger had closed his eyes and sighed. 

"Again." 

But then Roger had come home after a week and his behaviour had gone from normal to strange to bizarre and they hadn't seen him for over a year.

"Lets tonight just be normal, yeah?" Brian looked at the take away flyers in the desk drawer. We could do Chinese, Indian. Pizza?" He waved them at the singer. 

"Pick something Rog likes. I think pizza?" Freddie got up and I think there's some wine I've hidden in my bedroom closet he called out over his shoulder.

"Huh?' Brian shook his head and chuckled.

"Wow!" Roger looked in the two pizza boxes and let the scent of them drift into his nose. "Fantastic." He sighed and everyone laughed.

"Thought you'd like it." Brian said and Freddie shot him a look as it was his idea. 

"Grab what you want and we'll eat in the front room." Freddie waved his hand and filled their glasses with the hidden wine.

The conversation had gone from the food to the band and the very real chance of the band travelling to the states soon. 

Roger didn't say much on the subject and that was unusual for him. 

"What's up Rog?" Freddie looked across at him. "You look tired, mate." 

"No. Just thinking I missed all this." The drummer looked at them all and John put his arm around him.

"We all missed you." Brian raised his glass and they all took a sip.

"Bed soon?" John whispered in his ear when Brian and Freddie were talking to each other.

Roger nodded. John had read his mind. 

"What you do to me." Roger sighed. They were sitting naked on the bed facing each other, their legs wrapped around their partner. John had lit candles and they flickered in the dark making the blonds hair seem golden.

"And you." John kissed the blonds neck and held him close. It was as if the past year hadn't happened and they were totally together again, enjoying each others bodies. 

"Rog?" John sat up in bed and peered into the dark. Only a single candle flickered in the dark. They had fallen asleep exhausted and happy and making plans for the next day. But now, something had changed. Roger was sitting, in the corner of the bedroom between the closet and the door, naked and talking to himself as if he was having a conversation.

"Baby?" John whispered. "Come back to bed. It's cold." He watched the blond get up and crawl back into bed next to him as if nothing had happened. 

"Rog?" John stroked back the blonds hair. "Are you okay? 

"Sleepy." Roger sighed and closed his eyes. He couldn't say that he had been arguing with the other Roger about not hurting Deaky. How could he tell him that? He would think he was crazy and send him back to that place.


	9. Chapter 9

John woke up to Roger's angelic looking face on the pillow, his hips slightly apart in sleep, dark eyelashes against his pale cheeks. He loved just watching him sleep because if he was asleep the was safe from the voice in his head.

John felt almost as if he could hear the voice too, sometimes. The way Roger had described it. 

"Baby?" John traced the blonds jaw with a finger. He had a sudden desire to make love to him otherwise he would have let him sleep. The sleepy blue eyes looked at him and John kissed him lightly on the lips.

'Better brush my teeth." Roger knew where this was going and slid out of the bed.

"Hurry back." John grinned at him and the blond turned at the doorway and wiggled his bottom..

"Brat!" John called out after him. He slid back down in the bed and pushed his hand under the pillow stretching.

"What the fuck?" He pulled out a neck tie. It was one of Roger's. He looked from the tie to the door and back again before tossing it under the bed. He couldn't understand what it was doing there. Then an awful realization formed in his mind and he felt the colour draining from his face.

'Deaky?" Roger stood in the doorway, naked and beautiful and John slipped out of bed to go and brush his teeth. He nuzzled the blonds neck as he passed him as he never liked to miss an opportunity to kiss him and touch him. He had been away so long he had to make up the time lost. 

When John came back into the room Roger was lying half on his stomach, his naked body stretched tantalizingly on top of the bed. John couldn't help but just stare at him, he was so beautiful. 

Roger turned his head slowly and looked over his shoulder at him, lifting his arm and stretching out his hand. His eyes were already lust blown and the brunette felt himself grow hard with anticipation of that the body wrapped around him. 

"Deaky." Roger curled up next to John under the covers. His voice was very raspy and John wondered if he had ever told the blond how much that raspy voice turned him on. Even when he sang, the drummer had a quality to his voice that was intimate and sexy. At least the bassist thought so. 

"Angel?" John stroked his thumb lightly over the blonds lower lip and waited. 

"Could we just pretend none of that stuff happened. The other Roger. Everything. Just for one day?" Roger frowned as if not sure his request would be granted. How could he expect John to forget his lover was crazy? 

"Yes." John nodded and smiled. "I'd do anything for you, angel." John kissed his gently. He knew today Jim would be coming over but he didn't have to remind Roger about it. They needed to have a few hours alone to talk and make love and forget the last year. Forget the last few days and forget the middle of the night when Roger was sitting in the cold in the corner of the room. Probably as he had for those two months when Tim had held him captive. There was the neck tie under the bed now. But for a few hours John silently promised to forget it all and give the love of his life all the affection he needed. 

Roger looked happier than he had since he'd arrived from Scotland. His brain had switched off the voice like a switch. It happened like that sometimes. He had control over it. Till the next time and then the battle would start all over again. The battle not to harm John.

Roger stretched his arms up as he kissed his way down John's chest to his tummy and leaving soft, wet kisses on the inside of his thighs. John held the blonds hands in his and arched his back as he felt the blond take him into his mouth.

"Fuck!" John cried out and looked down to meet a pair of cheeky blue eyes looking lovingly at him. "Oh, angel." He sighed and closed his eyes, still squeezing the blonds hands in his and feeling the long blond hair tickle his skin. It was heaven and something he'd only dreamed about when Roger was away in Scotland. No one could make love the way Roger could. He was demanding and naughty and loving and affectionate all at one time. 

"Stop. Rog. I'm going to...ah." John tugged at the blond hands and pulled him up on top of him, the blond hair covering both their faces like a curtain and John swept it back over one pale shoulder and kissed the exposed skin and neck. 

"I want you so bad." Roger whispered and nuzzled his lovers neck, breathing in the scent of his skin. 

Roger gripped the back of the bed with his fingers and pushed the back of his head into the pillow, elongating his neck so that John could kiss him at the same time he slid inside him slowly and the blond wrapped his legs tightly around his lover, pushing him deeper. They lay still for a few moments before John moved inside him and he let his mind drift into a feeling of pure erotic pleasure.

Jim had decided to meet Brian and Freddie away from the flat and had chosen a small restaurant that opened earlier than normal for them so they could not be overheard.

"First off." Jim got right to the point. "There may be something in the news about Tim wanting to write what happened when he held Roger captive. He's rather reveling in the notoriety right now."

"But he can't!" Brian hissed.

"No, he actually can't profit by his crime but it's enough that it's out there. Right now, the papers have a gag order on them and it looks as if we may be able to squash it. I just don't think it would help Roger's mental state if he heard about it, yeah?" 

"No.' Freddie shook his head and sighed. "Poor Rog, it never stops does, does it?" He looked at Brian who just looked sad.

"I just wish there was something besides dragging him to another doctor." He whispered. "It's sick making."

"We're doing our best for him Bri. Honestly." Jim picked up a menu. They could talk more after they ate.

Brian just stared at the menu. All he could think about was how he had found Roger in the cellar and the horrific state he was in. That monster wanted to have his day of fame for doing that to someone so beautiful. It made him physically sick.

Freddie also kept his thought to himself. He knew the drummer was safe with John who wouldn't let anything happen to him ever again. But the younger musician couldn't help his mental state and that was what was being ravished.

After they had made love Roger and John had a shower together. The blond felt as if his legs would give way as he'd seemed to use every muscle he had in bed. He was beyond content and happy and sighed as John rubbed shampoo into his hair and massaged his scalp as the blond leaned against him. 

"Happy, angel?" John asked softly knowing the answer would be yes and it was. Roger wrapped his arms around John's waist and lay his face against his neck. He had really never been happier and was feeling slightly aroused, again. 

"Roger, you really are insatiable, baby." John gently tugged the blond hair and got a small nip on the neck in response. "I love you so much." He moved so they could stand under the shower and rinsed off Roger's hair. "Squeaky clean, beautiful."

"Oh, don't stop." The blond whined and smirked against John's shoulder. 

"Come on. We can go back to bed." John turned off the taps and grabbed a couple of towels from the rack.

"Mmm." Roger folded himself into John's arms and yawned. "So, sleepy." He sighed and promptly fell asleep, his lips slightly parted. John watched him for a few minutes and finally fell asleep himself but couldn't help wondering how the meeting with Jim was going.

The plated had been taken away and drinks ordered. Jim had tried to talk about the band and a possible tour once they were sure Roger was alright. He told them that he would tale Roger to his appointment in two days and bring him back safely. 

It occurred to both Brian and Freddie that they sounded like they were talking about a child. Not Roger Taylor, the drummer in Queen who had been so self confident and in charge of his own life. But Roger hadn't been in charge of his own life for awhile, now. 

"Rog?' It was still mid morning but because it was raining heavily the room seemed darker. John sat up, Roger wasn't next to him. He hadn't even felt him move, "Rog!" He didn't know why he felt panicky. Roger could have just gone to the loo.

"Fuck. Ouch." It was Roger's voice and John relaxed. He was alright. He could feel his heart pounding and he held his breath to slow it down. He was sure Roger would be able to hear it, otherwise.

The blond came in carrying two cups of coffee. The ouch had been because he'd spilled some on his hand as he set the mugs down he licked the his fingers and smirked at John as he jumped back into bed.

"I love you, John Richard Deacon." He wrapped his arms around the brunettes neck and pulled his head down to his chest.

"I love you, Roger Meddows Taylor." John grinned. "Even if you are a brat." He added and felt a harsh tug on his hair.

"Do I have to go?" Roger sounded like a petulant child. He felt like one. He hated being told what to do. He always had. He was stubborn but Jim had more authority and in his kind way maneuvered the blond into the car. 

John stood at the window with Brian and Freddie. He waved and gave a thumbs up as Roger looked up at him before getting into the car.

"Deaks., he's coming back, mate." Brian rubbed the bassists back. 

"I know, I just..." John shrugged and sighed. 


	10. Chapter 10

John knew he wouldn't be able to settle down till Roger was safely back from the doctors visit. He always carried with him the thought that at any time the drummer could be taken away to Scotland, again. He didn't dare tell anyone about the neck tie he'd found under the pillow but didn't just show that Roger had the discipline not to listen to the voice?

Brian sipped his coffee and watched the bassist pace up and down, stopping to look out of the window and then repeating the procedure. The older man wished he could thing of a way to focus John on something else but the truth was he was worried himself. He had a feeling that the bassist was keeping something from them. Something he knew about Roger's mental state but he had no idea on how to approach him about it. The fact that Freddie shared his opinion just meant there were two of them unable to ask the question.

"Deaks?" Brian said firmly and the younger man stopped pacing. Brian patted the seat next to him on the couch. 

"Sorry, am I driving you crazy?" John sighed and sat down but was still tense. 

"No, it's just difficult watching you." Brian frowned. "Out with it Deaks. What are you worried about?" Brian squeezed the younger man's shoulder, 

John heaved a sigh and hung his head, looking at his hands clasped between his knees. He turned and looked at Brian, pondering what to tell him. But he couldn't keep all this to himself any longer.

"The other morning after Roger got up I found a neck tie under his pillow." He pressed his lips together trying not to get emotional.

For a moment Brian wasn't sure what John was getting at and then the light went on in his brain. "Oh, fuck." He said quietly. "Did you ask him about it?"

"No," John shook his head. I just put it back in the drawer and he didn't say anything about it. I don't think he even knew." John shuddered and put his head back on the couch. "He still hears a voice. The other Roger, he calls it." 

Brian took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. "Do you think he'll tell the doctor today?" 

"No," John shook his head. "He doesn't want to get sent back to Scotland."

"But, there are other places. Closer. In London, surely?" Brian knew that wasn't the point just by the look John gave him. "Fuck. You're right." Brian closed his eyes. The point was they didn't want Roger to go anywhere.

"Let's just wait to see what happens, Deaky. Okay? We can talk to Jim, later." Both agreed and both were secretly grateful for Jim's presence in their lives.

"Hey, angel." John had seen the car pull up and had gone into their bedroom on the pretense of tidying up. Roger was slighting a cigarette and frowned at the tidiness, dropping his jacket on the bed and kicking off his shoes.

"How'd it go, babe?" John sat down on the bed and pulled the blonds hand. "Here sit with me. I missed you." The brunette kissed the blonds cold cheek trying to figure out from his eyes how he was. But the blond had a way of lowering his eyelids and thereby disguising his feelings. John sighed inside but still pulled the blond down to lie next to him. He took the lit cigarette from him and reached over to put in in the ashtray.

"You know how much I love you, angel." John ran his thumb lightly over the blonds jaw and kissed him. He could feel the drummer immediately relax. He was playing dirty but if he wanted to know how the doctors appointment he had to get on Roger's good side. His good side usually showed itself when a certain amount of physical affection was given. It was their game.

"I think so." Roger smirked and slid his hand under the bassists shirt, sighing as he caressed the warm skin. He tilted his head back begging for John to kiss his neck and the brunette almost totally forgot why he had started this. 

"Just a sec, angel." John got up and shut the door firmly before returning to the bed. Roger was already shedding his clothes. The blond got what he wanted when he wanted it. That wasn't a game. 

"Oh, yeah." Roger grabbed a handful of the long dark hair and tugged lightly. John stretched his hand up and took the blonds hand in his as continued to suck his cock, making the most lewd noises. He hoped no one could hear them. 

"Your mouth's so warm." Roger sighed and arched his back, knowing he was about to come. 'Better stop, Deaks." He gasped and felt the brunette let go of him before sliding back up the bed and giving him a dirty kiss. The bassist had totally forgotten why he had wanted to relax the blond and just wanted to make him feel content and happy. 

Jim was glad the two younger musicians were in their room together. He needed to talk to Freddie and Brian privately and even though John was very much a part of Roger's care he felt he shouldn't be told everything that wasn't a safety issue at the moment.

They sat around the kitchen table with the door closed. 

"Did the doctor say anything to you after talking to Roger?" Brian crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair. He was feeling tense about what John had told him earlier, wondering if he should tell Jim and Brian. He decided he would because this was definitely as safety issue.

"I did, Brian. They need to see him again. There is a new medication they will try and I have to be honest with you. If there isn't an improvement from their point of view, not ours, then they may be considering a more permanent solution."

"Meaning?" Freddie looked between the two men. He could tell that Brian wanted to say something and he wondered if it was a good time. 

"Part residential care." Jim said quietly.

"Which means a mental hospital. That's shit." Brian rolled his eyes. "Still, there is something I have to tell you both." Brian took a deep breath. He lowered his voice. Jim and Freddie stared at him.

Suddenly, Brian felt he couldn't tell either man what John had told him. He felt he could regret it and decided to wait another day or two and try to talk to Roger alone.

"Go ahead, Brian. Please." Jim encouraged him. 

"Just that Roger does open up to him quite a bit about what happened and how he's feeling. I just think his staying with us, here seems better than locking him up somewhere.

John had only heard the last few words of what Brian had said. He leaned against the door frame and felt almost dizzy. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop and realised that he probably hadn't heard the whole sentence. He took a deep breath and opened the kitchen door. 

"Hi Deaks," Freddie smiled and the other two men knew it was time to change the subject. 

"I heard what you said." John bit down hard on his bottom lip. He had gone form euphoria with his lover to despair in less than a minute.

"Come here, Deaks." Jim. motioned the bassist to sit down. "Is Roger likely to come in?" He asked gently.

"No, he's in the shower." John blushed as if he thought the others knew what they had been doing but it was the furtherest thing from their thoughts. 

"I was just telling Brian and Freddie that Roger's medication has been changed so he should be feeling better."

"Yeah, he was complaining about head aches. Will that help?" John looked at Brian trying to figure out if the guitarist had said anything about what he had told them. Brian tried to convey to the younger man that he hadn't said anything. Yet.

"But?" John was so afraid if the 'but'. It had taken Roger away from him for a year. He couldn't let that happen. He would protect him and even the other Roger at all costs.

"No but' yet. The doctor couldn't divulge much even though Roger gave his consent. "He was worried that Roger may still be experiencing hallucinations and the new meds should help with that."

Freddie rolled his eyes and shook his head. Hallucinations. He would gladly of killed Tim if he wasn't already locked away for what he had done to their friend. Roger would never be the same again. 

John nodded. He liked Jim and trusted him but he still wasn't sure about telling him what Roger told him. That the other Roger wanted to harm him. He could hear the shower stop and knew Roger would expect to see him in their bedroom.

"I just came in to get those biscuits Roger likes." He stood up and reached into the cupboard, taking out a pack of chocolate biscuits. He blushed, knowing the other three were watching him but after all Freddie had bought them especially for the drummer. He had always liked spoiling him.

"Let's all go out for lunch guys. My treat." Jim stood up. 'I'll come by later and pick you up." He put on his overcoat.

"Thanks, Jim." Brian stood up and shook hands with the older man. 'Maybe that Italian place that Rog likes?" He wasn't above spoiling the blond either. The other two men chuckled.

"Oh, Rog. Don't do that." John closed the bedroom door but had just gotten and eyeful of his love naked. He was always amazed at how beautiful he was. 

"What?" The blond turned, looking innocent but with a brightness in eyes that belied that state. He put down the towel he was drying his hair with and tossed it behind him. John had put the biscuits down and sighed. They'd spent an hour making love and Roger could still turn him on in an instant.

"Come here." The blond pulled him back onto the bed and wrapped his bare legs and arms around him. 

"I think Jim's going to take us out to lunch." John said each word in between kissing the blonds neck. He lifted his head and looked into the deep blue eyes and for a fleeting second he knew he wasn't looking into his lovers eyes. There was something menacing behind the look and then it was gone. But had definitely there. John felt his heart pounding and fell back onto his side.

Roger frowned. "What's wrong?" He looked worried

"It's okay, Rog. I just realised how much I've been missing you." He turned and looked again into the blond eyes but saw nothing but love in them.

"I missed you, too." Roger nodded as if this was in some doubt. "Deaks, I'm trying really hard. I really am." He put his head on the bassists shoulder and reached for his boyfriend's hand. 

"I know, angel. I just want you to be safe." He whispered. 

'And not have you taken away, again.' He thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to see more comments :)


	11. Chapter 11

"Okay, so I don't want to hurt John. If I hurt him because the voice tells me to then I'm doomed forever to hell. I can't live without him, anyway. I could kill Tim, though. For what he did to me. For fucking me and fucking up my mind which, I guess, was his intention. But, he's locked up. He's safe. Doesn't have a voice in his head, continuously telling him what to do. He may even make some money telling his story. Fuck. I know Deaky found that tie under the pillow. He didn't say anything cause he's afraid they'll lock me up again. Lock me up when I didn't rape and torture someone.

Brian looked over at Roger on the riser and gave him the thumbs up. Considering how long it had been since he'd drummed with the band he had gotten up to speed very quickly. The guitarist thought it was a marvelous how having Roger back made them feel complete again. He's missed him more than he thought now he was back. He was even looking forward to the blond grumpy outbursts and accusations the others were ganging up on him which occasionally they were.

"Baby's back." Freddie blew the blond a kiss and smiled at him and got drumstick twirl in response. "Brat!" The singer shouted and heard a thump from the bass drum in response.

John, his hands at his side, guitar strap round his neck, just watched as he always did. Usually the other three would get into a couple of arguments during rehearsal but they were trying hard to get along as it was Roger's first week back with the band.  
Sometimes, the bassist could just imagine none of the previous year had ever happened. He'd hated the way they had had to poach drummers from other bands. It always seemed so disloyal to his friend who was as far as they were concerned the best drummer in the UK.

Roger looked up from adjusting a microphone to see John standing beside him. They just looked at each other for a few moments. No words were needed. It had been so long since they could just have done this. Roger had had dreams about being with the band when he was in Scotland. Dreams that everything was normal and they were on tour. Of course, he would wake up and realize it was a dream and sometimes thought it would probably never happen, again because the the band would drop him since he'd been away and find someone newer and better. But they hadn't. They'd waited and he loved them for it.

"Looking hot, Rog." The brunette grinned, showing the slight gap in his front teeth that the drummer found so attractive and could never explain why.

  
"Yeah?" Roger couldn't help blushing and lowering his eyes. He was sure Freddie was watching them but then when he looked up he saw the two older musicians were in the corner of the rehearsal studio and couldn't see or hear the two younger musicians

  
"Come here." Roger turned around on his stool and John crouched down in front of him as the blond took his face in his hands and kissed him. "I love you, John Deacon."

  
"Yeah?" John leaned his head on the drummers knee. "Better show me this afternoon then." He looked up again into the blue eyes and got a nod from the blond.

"I'm trying to give them space, Fred." The guitarist and singer had gone outside the rehearsal room to get themselves a coffee. He nodded towards the closed door. 

"I sometimes wonder who suffered the most with Roger away last year." Freddie said to himself thinking about John. It had been difficult for the younger man to accept the change in drummers. 

"We all did. It had to be worse for Roger. He was alone." Brian shook his head. "I can't believe he was away so long and for what? He's still not really better. What a waste." Brian could feel his blood boil every time he thought about the day he had found Roger and the condition he was in both mentally and physically it made him feel sick. As if reading his thoughts, Freddie put an arm around the taller mans back.

"You found him Bri. We all owe you for that. John feels bad that he wasn't able to be the one but from what you've told me you wouldn't have wanted him to?

"No way. It was horrific." Brian closed his eyes and sighed. "It's hard to believe Rog is the same person now. 

"Well, I think there's a lot of work there. I've know him for years and I know when he's hiding something." Freddie sighed and looked back at the studio door. "We better make some noise before going back in." He chuckled to himself. 

"Got the place to ourselves." John pulled off his clothes as quickly as possible as Roger lay back against the pillows watching him. 

"Good, I can make as much noise as I want." The blond smirked and watched the brunette take off his pants and through them over his shoulder. "Getting untidy, Deaks." Roger teased him.

"Yep." John nodded and got into the bed quickly, pulling the covers up over them. He gave the blond a loving, passionate kiss and then said. 'There's something I've been wanting to do all day." 

The brunette slid down the bed and Roger arched his back feeling John's warm mouth take him in.

"You've been wanting suck my dick all day?" The blond gasped. "Fuck." He closed his eyes, giving himself up to the feelin and reached for his lovers hand and squeezed it against his chest. 

John smiled to himself as much as he could. Enjoying the feeling of giving the blond so much pleasure. He loved the sounds Roger was making, almost whimpering in ecstacy.

"Come here, Deaks." Roger felt as if he was going to come and didn't want to have to wait to recover before making love with his boyfriend. 

John looked into his eyes. "You really want me to stop?" He waggled his eyebrows. 

"Yeah, I'm gonna come otherwise." The blond reached for the lube and under the pillow and smirked. "You can do the honours., babe." 

"Want to kiss you some more first." John pouted, copying one of Roger's facial expressions perfectly as he lay between the blonds legs, his forearms on either side of his waist. Roger wrapped his arms around him, pulling the brunette down to him. 

The longer Roger was back in the flat and with John the more he remembered missing this though they had had such a brief time together. But he had to stop looking back because that caused the voice to return and that wasn't happening this afternoon if he could help it. For a second, as he was enjoying John's body wrapped in his arms he felt that shuddering feeling that proceeded the voice in his head. 

"Rog?" John felt the blonds body grow tense and thought they were going to fast. "Baby?" He stroked back the blonds hair and looked into the unfocused eyes. "Rog?" John fell back onto his side and waited. 

It was as if the blond was listening for something and John's voice wasn't getting through to him then suddenly his eyes seemed to refocus and gave the brunette a beautiful smile. "Why did you stop?" 

"You just seemed far away, love." John felt his heart racing. Something didn't feel right but he couldn't say anything. 

"Well, I'm here now." The raspy voice. Roger's voice. He nuzzled John's neck and the brunette sighed in pleasure, closing his eyes.

"Fuck me, Deaks. Now." Roger whispered seductively and wrapped his leg over the brunettes thigh as he popped open the lube and handed it back to the brunette.

"Please." John teased him.

"Please, fuck me." Roger kissed him softly.

"So very polite. I can't refuse." John poured a good amount of lube on his fingers and reached between them. "I love you."

John leaned on his forearms and held Rogers hands as he moved inside him, causing the blond to whine in pleasure. His blond hair was damp on his forehead and was spread out on the pillow, his dark lashes against his pink skin. John had thought he had never known anyone a beautiful in his young life. Roger's heels were digging into him, begging for more of his lover. John took away one o his hands and to wrap around the blonds cock and run his thumb over the top and down again, over and over till the blonds back arched as the warm cum leaked onto his hand causing to come in a shuddering climax inside his lover.

Roger didn't know why he was crying but he pushed his face into John's neck and let the brunette pull him close and hold him tightly. "Sorry." the blond whispered. He had no idea what had made him feel so emotional except that he loved John so much for making him feel normal again and because he was so much in love with him. 

"It's okay, love." John seemed to understand where the emotion was coming from. Even before the blond had been abducted by Tim he had a fragile side of him that John had always loved. He seemed to know what his boyfriend needed each time and didn't ask any questions or tell him not to cry. It was a waiting game that he was happy to play. 

John woke up feeling cold. Roger and he had been so closely entwined that the blond absence was felt immediately. "Rog?" John got out of bed and shivered, pulling on a pair of sweats and a tee shirt he opened the bedroom door. He could hear voices in the kitchen. Roger's and Brian's. 

"I wondered where you were." John said as he reached the kitchen and stared at the scene before him.

Brian was standing close to Roger as if they were having a quiet conversation. The taller man was still in jeans and a shirt so he must have just got home. Roger was wearing pyjama bottoms and looked as if he wasn't quite awake except that he was holding a knife by the blade and looking down at the blood on his hand as if he didn't know how it got there. The blond looked up at John as if he would have the answer.

"I just found him like this. I'm trying to get him to give me the knife but I don't think he can hear me." Brian shrugged. John nodded and took a few step forwards.

"I think the new meds are affecting him.' He explained quietly. "Rog." He put his arm around Roger's waist. He was trying to estimate if he was seriously injured or if it was a superficial cut.

"Rog, that's your drumming hand." He said simply and Roger loosened his grip long enough for Brian to grab the knife and toss it in the sink. He turned on the tap and gently taking the bleeding hand ran the warm water over it, 

"I'm sorry." Roger looked from one to the other and then down at his hand. "I just wanted to make a sandwich." He looked so at a loss as to what was going on that Brian and John just looked at each other, helplessly.

The cut wasn't as bad as the amount of blood would suggest and Brian quickly bandaged it up. But he really had to talk to John the next day about this but until then he just wished them both a good nights sleep.

"Rog, want me to make you and sandwich, love?" John got Roger back into bed.

"No, I'm not hungry. The other Roger was. I'm not." The blond closed his eyes and when John got into bed beside him he snuggled up closer to him. "I told him we'd get in trouble. He doesn't care." He sighed as if he was talking about a friend and not the voice.

"Nevermind. Just go to sleep, love. I'm here." John lay awake a long time. He wondered if he should get a lock for the door and then was horrified with himself. The last thing Roger needed was to be locked in anywhere.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger and John have a special evening together but Freddie has found something that he needs to talk to John about

In the end John was saved from having to tell Brian and Freddie about how desperate the situation with Roger had become. The neighbors cat run into their flat the next day and as Freddie chased it around the flat and finally under Roger and John's bed. The cat had shot out the other side and Brian had called out that it had run back to it's won flat.

"All clear, Fred." Brian stood in the doorway of the younger musicians bedroom. "What's that?" He watched the singer pull an old wooden box out. It was about 6 inches in width and length and height.

"I don't know." Fred frowned at it. He had a feeling of premonition though.

"Well, it belongs to one of them, Fred. You can't open it." Brian admonished him but the older man raised his eyebrows as if to say 'try me.'

"Fucking, hell." They both peered into the box. There was a knife and a pair of very lethal looking scissors in it wrapped up in a scarf."

"What's it for?" Brian shook his head.

"I don't know, but it's not staying under this bed." Freddie picked up the box and taking it into his room he hid it in the back of the closet till he had time to talk to John about it. But he doubted the bassist would know anything about it or he would have told them. Wouldn't he?

"John, what's wrong?" Roger looked up from reading his book. Just looking at the brunettes face he knew. "What did I do?' He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. Brian and Fred were also in the doorway. "What did I do?" Roger was staring at each in turn. He could hear Jim's voice in the living room, calling someone.

"You have to go now, love." John was crying and Brian and Freddie were looking sad.

"Rog, wake up. You're having a bad dream, love. Rog!" John had heard the blond crying in his sleep and moving his head from side to side on the pillow. 

"I don't want to go. I don't want to. Please!" The blond was sobbing into John's shoulder and holding on to his body as tightly as he could.

"Oh, angel. You're not going anywhere. You're here with me. You're safe." John kissed the top of Roger's head and held him as tightly as he could back.

"John, are you okay? Is Rog alright?" It was Brian's voice.

"Yes, Rog just had a bad dream." John called back. We're okay." He had to add we as he knew they were concerned about Roger's previous outbursts before he had gone to Scotland. 

"It was so real, Deaky." Roger mumbled through wet tears on his shoulder.

"Just a bad dream, Rog." John grabbed some tissues from the box on the bedside table. "Really." John stared at the far wall, above Roger's head. He had to tell them what was going on. It wasn't fair on Roger not to. If they could get him help and not send him back to Scotland. He tightened his grip on his lover. "I won't let anyone take you, angel."

John wanted to have one really nice day with Roger. Just the two of them like they had before. It didn't have to be anywhere special. It could be in the flat with no one else there. He wanted to talk to him and make love to him and get back that thing they had before Roger had been taken by Tim. 

"I was thinking of spending some alone time with Rog, Fred." John held onto the door jamb. He looked like such a young boy to the older musician. 

"That's a nice idea, Deaky. Oh, you're asking if me and Bri can disappear for awhile?" He chuckled. "Rog can get a bit noisy." He rolled his eyes and John blushed. 

"Sure. I can remove myself and Brian from the premises." Freddie agreed. He was going to mention that they all needed to talk at some point by why spoil the fun for the two of them? He'd noticed John looked tired lately and wished he could have a heart to heart with him right now but it could wait a bit longer. At least he had removed the box from under the bed and neither Deaky or Roger had said anything about it.

"Deaky, I'm here if you need to talk about Rog. Or about anything." Freddie offered. The singer had the feeling that John was on the verge of telling him something and they still had to discuss what he found under the bed but maybe right now wasn't the right time.

"I know, thanks Freddie." John nodded and turned away then back again. "Any ideas, though?" 

"I think you know what he'd like, Deaky. Just lots of it." 

John bought two bottles of wine and specially made sandwiches from the deli that he knew Roger use to like. He hovered around the chocolate eclairs and finally bought two. 

Brian and Freddie had gone to a party and wouldn't be back the small hours. John had a feeling Brian didn't really want to go out but Freddie had taken him aside and explained what was up. He'd rolled his eyes but agreed. 

Roger had got home to find the flat lit by candles in the living room and the small feast laid out on the coffee table. "Deaky?" He frowned and smiled and looked around/ "What this?" He asked softly as John put his arms around his waist and drew him close.

"We're having a special night in. Fred and Bri are out at a party and we have the place to ourselves, yeah." He pulled his head back and looked into the blue eyes. "And don't ask me why cause you know why." He chuckled, 

"I guess I do." Roger smirked. He felt good today. No voices. He had the new medication and it seemed to be working. The idea of spending the evening alone with John like they did over a year ago was really nice. It was almost like the first time. 

'Wine?" He nodded towards the two bottles. 

"Yes, but Brian and Freddie bought us champagne." John went towards the kitchen to get the bottle out of the fridge.

"They know about this?" Roger groaned inwardly. Of course they did. Not the best kept secret in the Queen household. 

"What did you say, love?" John came back with the bubbly and two glasses.

"This is really nice." Roger looked at the sandwiches under plastic wrap and the two eclairs on a smaller plate. John was the sweetest man on earth. He wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged him as tightly as he could. It was John he owed for having any sanity left in him. It was John he had thought about every second he had been kept captive by Tim and all the time he was in Scotland. He finally let go realizing he was probably squeezing the life out of the one he loved.

"Okay, stand back." John put a tea towel over the top of the bottle and turned the cork. There was the satisfactory popping sound and Roger nearly giggled as John poured out two glasses. 

"To us." He kissed the blond on the lips, "I love you, Roger Taylor." 

"I love you, Jon Deacon." Roger did giggle and frowned at the glass. 'It's the champagne," He smirked.

"Yeah, that must be it." John nodded and pulled him over to the couch. "I've got lots more planned." 

It had been so long since they had had a shower together. It seemed like it had. Maybe it wasn't. Sometimes Roger found it difficult to remember. His memories mixed up with reality at the time. He closed his eyes and leaned back against John's chest as the warm water fell on them. John was running shampoo through his hair with long, sensitive fingers. The other hand held his hip gently but firmly. Roger stretched an arm behind him to pull John closer. It was so erotic. The water, and the fingers in his hair and his lovers hardness against his skin and his fingers on his hipbone. 

"Happy, love?" John kissed the blonds wet shoulder and neck. His maim object was for Roger to be happy. To feel how much he was loved. They'd never really talked about what had happened to Roger. John knew about it but not from his boyfriend.

Roger had just turned his head for a kiss in answer. He was feeling content and sleepy and wanted to make love soon. John recognized the signs. He finished his task and turned off the water. He already had the towels ready and took one to dry the blond lovingly. He few second he stopped to kiss the slightly parted lips. He could see Roger was ready to go to bed just by his face alone if not for his obvious arousal.

"C'mon." John pulled his own hair around one shoulder and took the blonds hand in his, He'd lit the candles in the bedroom and it made the plain room seem magical. The second bottle of wine was on the desk and John had pulled back the covers on the bed.

Roger stopped and looked at it all with a pleased smile on his face and lowering his eyelashes put his arms around John's neck and pressed his body close to his. He was so ready for him. 

"God, you are so beautiful." John whispered. Roger was stretched out naked on the bed as John left small kisses along his neck and shoulders. Roger's fingers entwined in John's brown, wavy hair and he tilted his head back as John slid down between his legs

John was ever mindful of what had happened to his lover when Tim had held him captive and was careful not to make him feel pressured into sex. He was sensitive to the blonds body tensing but so far there was no sign he was reluctant, rather the opposite.

"Please, John." Roger whispered. He arched his back as he felt the brunettes finger inside him. For a flash he saw Tim, forcing his way into him but he pushed it away as fast is it entered his mind. This was John, who loved him and would never hurt him, 

Freddie had been right, Roger could be noisy and as no one else was in the flat he had no restraints. Sex with John was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They fit together perfectly and as he wrapped his legs more tightly around the brunettes waist he felt like he was in an erotic heaven with his lover. He opened his eyes and looked into the grey eyes above him and sighed,

"Oh, fuck." Roger nearly screamed and John covered his mouth with his. John was proud that he could totally wreck this beautiful man. 

John was careful with aftercare and made sure Roger felt taken care of. Afterwards, he borrowed some aloe cream from Freddie and gently massaged into the blonds shoulders and arms, moving to his torso and legs. "Okay, angel?" 

"Mmm." Roger sighed and stretches his arms behind his head on the pillow. "I love you so much." He whispered. His blue eyes half closed he felt John pull the covers over the two of them as he fell asleep.

The voice was relentless. It didn't like Roger being happy and in love. There was a pay back coming. 

"Rog, are you alright?" The candles were still dimly burning as John looked at Roger's face. The eyes looking back were clouded. Not his lovers. "I want the real Roger." John said firmly and waited.

"Deaky?" It was his Roger again. The angelic blue eyes.

"Oh, love. What's going on? You were talking in your sleep. John stroked the blond locks back.

"Deaky." Roger took hold of John's hand. "I have to go back to Scotland. Please. I'm sorry." He pushed his face into the brunettes neck and cried softly.

"Oh, babe." John held him close, his heart pounding. "I can't." 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger is sure that he must be locked away to protect John from the drummers alter ego but Jim has found a solution that they all can be happy with. Hopefully.

Freddie and Jim listened to John's explanation of what had happened the night before. That Roger had begged John to let him go back to the sanatorium because he was afraid of what he might hurt him.

John had tried to reason with him. Assuring him he knew the blond wouldn't try to harm him. But Roger's explanation did make sense. If he did harm John then he would still be in the hospital and minus his lover.

"They'll lock me away forever, Deaky and if you're dead then you won't be waiting for me, will you?" Roger could be so practical sometimes. John looked at him wide eyes. He couldn't bare the thought of him going away again.

The next morning John had gone straight to Freddie and told him everything. The singer had called Jim, their manager, who had come over within in minutes.

"Jim, there must be something. He doesn't have to go back, does he?" John was on the verge of tears and Freddie put a protective arm around him. 

Jim. for once, wasn't sure what to say. He was like a father to the boys and they always went to him to make the final decision on something they were at odds about. He looked who Freddie who just shrugged.

"Why don't I just go away somewhere with him? Somewhere quiet for a bit?" John whispered and both men said 'no' emphatically. Finally, Freddie had to tell Jim and John about the box he had found under the bed.

John stared in despair. The game was over. Roger was right. He couldn't control his other self all the time. It was too exhausting for him to keep it up. The bassist looked at both men and and knew his and Roger's relationship was in peril. Again.

"I'm ready." All four men turned to see Roger standing in the doorway to the living room with his suitcase beside him. "I packed. I guess I can go now." 

All eyes turned to John then. The bassist had gone white and had gone over to the blond to wrap his arms around him protectively. "You don't have to go today, Rog. Nothing is arranged." He led him over to the couch and Jim took Freddie and Brian aside.

"I'll talk to the office and then his doctor. I'm sorry, I didn't realize it had gone so far. I'm worried about John as well. This is far too much for him to take on." Jim said quietly. 

"We didn't really suspect anything ourselves till I found the box under the bed." Freddie looked over at the younger men. Roger looked as if he was going away and never coming back, his expression was so lost and John was plainly devastated by the turn of events.

Jim went over to them. "Rog, you aren't going anywhere just yet. We have to discuss this with your doctor. So, you chaps get some breakfast and relax and I'll be back later." Jim put his hand on Roger's shoulder and got a small nod.

"I can stay a bit longer?"The blond asked quietly and John and Jim both nodded but both men felt heartbroken that Roger had to ask it. They both hated Tim for what he had done to Roger that had caused his mind to splinter in two.

"We want him to be close by, Jim if you can manage that." Freddie saw their manager to the door.

"I'll do my best. It's really down to his doctor. I expect it would be a few days before any decision can be made." Jim put on his coat. "Try to keep an eye on John. This is is affecting him badly, I think." Jim said good bye and as Fred shut the for after him he took a deep breath and turned back into the living room. 

"I'll put the coffee on." The singer tried to smile but the two younger men, with Brian standing nearby was just too sad for words.

"I've got those cinnamon rolls that Rog likes, I think." He disappeared into the kitchen and Brian followed him in.

"What did Jim say?" The taller man was also on the verge of tears. He cared deeply for Roger though he didn't always show it but the blond knew he did which was what mattered. 

"He's really worried about John, actually." The singer plugged in the coffee pot. "So am I. This is almost normal for Roger." 

"Don't say that, Fred. I mean about normal. Fuck, I hate Tim for this." The guitarist slammed his fist into the counter.

"I wish hating him would make this go away but it won't." The older man turned the oven on to warm up the rolls and got out some butter. Roger liked to load butter onto the warm rolls. He'd do anything to get that haunted look out of the drummer's eyes.

John had put Roger's suitcase and leather jacket back in the hall closet so that they didn't have to be reminded of his imminent departure. The bassist couldn't stop from shaking inside but Roger sensed his sorrow and when the brunette sat next to him Roger pulled him into his arms. Roger's brand of comfort was always like being wrapped in a warm, loving embrace. John had been the comforter for the last while and forgot how Roger could relax him in just moments. 

Even when Brian and Fred came back into the room with the tray of coffee and rolls, John stayed where he was and the two older men didn't act as if they'd noticed. They were happy Roger and John could comfort one another.

A few days later life had almost gotten back to normal somewhat but then Roger had gone to his appointment at the medical centre and they had all waited to hear if the doctor recommended he go back to the sanatorium in Scotland or stay closer to London where they could at least visit him if allowed.

"John." Fred came up behind the bassist who was standing by the window that looked down onto the street. He was watching out for Jim's car. It had been agreed that it would be better for their manager to accompany Roger to the clinic and wait till he had finished the tests. He had a calming influence on the blond and if it was bad news could deal with it. 

"Sorry, Fred. I can't keep still." John smiled weakly. Fred nodded and for some reason pulled the brunettes long, wavy brown hair aside and put his chin on the bassists shoulder as they both watched the street. Finally, the car came into view.

"Let's see." Freddie and John leaned forward to look down onto the street. It was difficult to see by the Roger's expression as his head was turned away and then he was in the building. John wanted to go to the door but was rooted to the spot. Was his world going to crash in today?

"Really?" John was confused. "I can really go with him?" He sat down on the couch trying to take it all in. 

Jim said that the doctors had recommended Roger go to hospital in Ireland that was more suited to what he was going through and that John would be allowed to go with him as they thought the therapy would be more affective. It was a revolutionary idea. So radically different from the no family, friends or phone calls approach. 

"Yes, really." Jim was so pleased he could give somewhat good new, at least for John. 

The bassist looked from Jim to Roger and back again. He hardly saw Brian and Fred who hovered nearby.

"Rog? That's okay with you?" John asked and the blond nodded.

"We can have our own cottage on the grounds, Deaks." He smiled. "It'll be okay. I'll get better and you'll be there with me." 

"Yeah. That's great." John thought he was dreaming. This must be some new therapy but he wasn't arguing about it.

"When do we go?" John asked quietly and looked over at Fred and Brian who weren't looking as happy as John felt. 

"In a few days. Now, John are you absolutely sure that you want to do this? No qualms?" Jim was giving him a chance but the bassist immediately shook his head and said he thought it was a good idea. He wouldn't be stuck in London, worrying about what was happening to his boyfriend. And anyway, Roger was sitting right next to him waiting for his answer. It would have broken the drummer's heart if he'd had any misgivings which he hadn't.

"Rog, come here, angel." John wrapped his arms around the blond's waist and held him close. It had been a long day for Roger with the tests and decisions about travelling to Ireland and what that meant for the band for the next couple of months. Apparently, the doctors held out a lot of hope that Roger could be helped with the new treatments out there and they would take it on a month to month basis to see how soon he could resume his normal life if it ever would be normal.

"I love you so much." John wanted so badly to make love to his sweet Roger. The blond looked amazingly beautiful now that they had made a decision that they could all live with. He was more relaxed and the doctor had given him some coping strategies till they left for Ireland.

Neither of them had been there before and the looked at the brochure that showed the cottages that were dotted a few hundred yards from the main building and overlooked the Irish Sea. It would be like a holiday. The cottages had gas fires and were centrally heated and were comfortably furnished. It still amazed them both that they could be together but Jim seemed to able to arrange anything.

"I love you." Roger lay his head on John's shoulder and sighed. Everything had changes so much since a few days ago when he was sure that he should just be locked away so that the otters Roger couldn't hurt John. When Fred had showed him the box with the knife and tie and scissors he hadn't even recognised it and that worried him more than he could admit.

"I wonder what it's going to be like?" John kissed the blonds head. He was trying to control himself but in the end couldn't help pulling Roger over to the bed. It was late by the time they had finished discussing the arrangements with Jim so they could just go to bed. 

John unbuttoned the blonds shirt and kissed his chest and neck. It was going to be an hour at least of spending time to make Roger feel good. At least. John knew this was one thing he was really good at.

"Is that it?" Roger stood next to John on the motor launch as it soared through the water on the way to Irish coast. There was a high cliff in the distance and they could just make out small buildings and cottages dotted along the top. Jim had come with them and he nodded that they were correct this was St. Brigid's.

"Okay, love?" John put his arm around the blonds shoulders.

"Yeah, I think so." Roger was biting down on his lower lip and looked over at Jim who put his hand on his shoulder.

"I'll stay a couple of days too to make sure you're happy here, Roger." Their manager reassured him.

"Thanks, Jim. I'm sure it will be okay." Roger smiled and moved closer to John for comfort. He hated being scared and 'girly' as he called it. Before the abduction he had been the strong one. He hoped he could get back to that but then John deserved being the strong one for a change. 

"It's so cold." Roger heard the whine in his voice and adjusted his tone. The wind was strong once they reached the top of the cliff in a small elevator set into the rock. 

"We'll be inside soon, love." John followed Jim who was being greeted by and older woman wearing a white lab coat. Roger was a few steps behind him, already uncertain. "Remember, I'm with you. You aren't alone and Jim is going to help get us settled.

Roger hardly paid attention to what the the welcoming committee was saying and really just wanted to see where he and John would be staying. Each cottage had two bedroom with a double bed in each which was a relief that Roger and John tried not to show on their faces. They were small but came with a small, compact kitchen, a walk in shower that was large and a beautiful view of the Irish Sea which seemed to be bubbling away in the high winds that had started up.

Jim had left the two musicians to get unpacked and feel comfortable before they would all meet for dinner in the main dining room. Dinner was always taken with the rest of the population of the sanatorium but breakfast and lunch could be eaten in their cottage. 

Jim said he would come back for them at six and went off in search of his accommodation in the main building.

"I'm a bit scared, Deaky." Roger had opened his suitcase but suddenly the whole thing had hit him. 

"I'm here, love." John wrapped his arms around him. "You're not alone. Look." he nodded towards the bed. It looked inviting with a fluffy white duvet cover and plump pillows.

"Yeah." Roger chuckled. "You're right. Sort of like being on tour, yeah?" His blue eyes looked lost and innocent that John wasn't sure what to do or say.

"Yeah, like on tour." He nodded. He wondered if they ever would go on tour again and he realised that was what the drummer was thinking, too.


	14. Chapter 14

Neither John or Roger knew what to expect from the island despite the brochures that they had read. It was made to sound like a vacation retreat rather than a sanitarium for the 'crazies' as Roger called it. It made John wince every time the blond said it but he supposed Roger needed to make light of it.

Jim had done all the paperwork for them and said two nights to make sure they were settled in and had everything they needed. He felt better that he had found a place that would let John stay because it would have been too difficult on John if they hadn't. Roger had been resigned to being on his own but this way they could watch out for one another.

Jim had come over for dinner the second night and had produced a bottle of wine from his suitcase. Alcohol was prevented but not until the 'guest' had started his or her therapy. At least Roger was allowed to smoke and as Jim walked up the slight incline to the boy's cottage he saw the blond sitting outside the front window with a smoke and a cheeky look. Cheeky Roger was normal and he hoped they would get him back to that state soon no matter how high the cost.

John had been in a sot of limbo since they got to the island. He and Roger had attended the orientation lecture with a few other 'visitors'. It was difficult to figure out who were actual patients or loved ones that accompanied them but then he and Roger would make a difficult call, too.

Because they sat in the back and in the dark Roger reached for John's hand. The blond was a hand holder and John was always ready to take the calloused fingers in his. It was comforting. He felt needed and as long as no one could see them. Well.

The island had a past, apparently. Popular with smugglers and apparently haunted. Haunted? Roger didn't like the sound of it but how could outdoors be haunted and by what or whom?' He smirked and rolled his eyes but he moved a little closer to John in the hard plastic chair.

Roger waved as he saw Jim approaching and stood up and stretched. He did feel like he was on holiday in a way and he opened the door and called for John who was trying to heat up a meal that was sent over from the kitchen earlier. It smelled good, anyway.

'You two have settled in alright?" Jim presented the wine to Roger and looked around. There was a wood fire burning and the cottage was looking welcoming and warm. The two musicians would be okay here, he was sure. He could see the through to the bedroom where he was standing and the double bed. He turned away. None of his business he thought to himself. As long as the two could be together. He remembered what Freddie had said and he agreed. If it speeded up Roger's recovery it was worth it. 

Roger nodded and told Jim to sit down while he got the glasses. The kitchen had pretty much everything they needed and he smiled as he watched John setting the small table. "We're being domestic." The blond grinned and John slid his arm around the blonds waist and was going to kiss him when he heard Jim ask them something from the living room.

"Later." John promised and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. The bassist was feeling happier about all this now that Jim had given it his approval and said he would take a trip to visit them in a few weeks to make sure everything was alright with them. 

Jim sat between the two younger men and toasted them both. He was very fond of them both but had never really been alone with both of them. He understood now why they got along so well. Where John was shy and Roger outgoing in public, alone it was the opposite. It was quite eye opening and something he had never experienced with them before.

"I'm glad Jim stayed a couple of days." Roger was getting undressed. The room was cold as the fire in the living room was dwindling. John had thrown a long sleeved tee shirt and sweats at him. Not the sexiest outfit but Roger felt the cold more than he did. But it was also more of an excuse to warm him up.

"I will if you do." Roger looked dubiously at the warm clothing but was secretly glad of it. It would come off soon enough. He watched John undress and held the covers back for him as the brunette reached over to turn off the light. They were both tired. The island air was brisk and they had gone for a long walk earlier that afternoon before Jim had arrived. 

Roger had wanted to talk to John about something that had come up with his initial talk with the therapist but wasn't sure how to say it. He thought he'd sound crazy even to John. It would keep till later. But there was something about the island. He was sure he'd been here before. Positive in fact. But when? 

"Mmm, you warmed up fast." John breathed in the scent of Roger's skin and kissed his neck. He slipped his hand under the tee shirt and slid it around to hold onto the blonds hipbone and squeezed it but Roger was already falling asleep and so John pulled the tee shirt back down and pulled the covers over their shoulders. It could wait till morning he smiled to himself.

Roger had slept for a few hours and woken up. He could tell the room was cold by his nose but the rest of his was warm and he closed his eyes again, snuggling back I to John's side. He thought he could hear voices and got sinking feeling that it was happening again. But the voices weren't inside his head, he was sure. 

"Deaky?" He whispered but John was fast asleep. Roger slid out of bed and went to the bedroom window that overlooked the side of the cottage. He could see beams of light from somewhere below the cliffs as if they were pointing straight up into the night sky. He watched for awhile and then yawning, went back to bed. John was in the same position and he lifted the brunettes arm to get back into a comfortable spot. 

"Okay?' John whispered sleepily and Roger kissed him lightly in answer. He didn't want to worry him. John had done enough for him and adding more problems wasn't a good idea. He thought about talking to Jim the next day before he left. But what could he tell him? No, better keep it to himself. He didn't want to worry them.

Roger woke to kisses on his neck and chest and tummy and didn't have to open his eyes. He loved morning sex. He ran his fingers lightly through John's long locks and tugged on them. John had threatened to get his hair cut off sometimes, saying he was afraid he'd get his hair torn from the roots and go bald.

"We've got plenty of time." John lifted his head and smirked, his eyes crinkling at the sides. Roger stared at him. He was so in love with John and had been from the moment he'd met him. He didn't know anyone else who would have waited for him for so long and taken on all the stuff that had happened. It brought tears to his eyes and John held him close and kissed his cheek.

"Baby Boy." He whispered. Roger smiled and closed his eyes. He loved it when John called him that but he would hate for anyone to know. He pushed John over gently and straddled his legs after reaching for the glass of orange juice by the bed. That took care of morning breath and John lifted his head for a sip. 

"Slow one?' John lifted his eyebrows and the blond nodded, pushing his hair over one shoulder as he lowered his face for a kiss.

John sat up in bed watching Roger get dressed. He loved watching him. He wanted to drag him right back to bed though so had to look away.

"I heard voices last night." Roger said suddenly and then frowned. He hadn't meant to say it. He hadn't meant to tell John. He took a deep breath and turned to look at his lover.

"Rog, come here babe." John held his hand out to him. Roger zipped up his jeans and came over and sat on the side of the bed. 

"Tell me." John said softly and Roger explained about the voices outside the cottage and the lights. He could tell that the brunette was relieved he hadn't meant the voice in his head but he was still confused.

"Why didn't you wake me?" He asked gently, holding the blonds hand in his.

"I tried to." Roger admitted. "It's no big deal. Maybe someone just looking for the smugglers cave." Roger sighed and got up. "I really heard it, Deaky." He frowned and felt like he would spend the rest of his life telling John that. He had lost his credibility along with his sanity because of Tim and knew he'd never get it back. He felt his fists clench and willed himself to loosen his fingers. 

John wanted to tell him everything was important but he knew how sensitive Roger was about everything recently and he dropped it. He was going to do a tour of the island later and maybe try to compose a song or two while Roger was in therapy. But first they had to see Jim off on the launch. John started to get dressed but looked back at the bed and smiled to himself. It was like being on tour without the work.

"Bye Jim." Roger shook hands with their manager but the older man hugged him and told him to call if there was any problems and he would be there as quickly as possible. John and Roger stood on the wharf and waved him off. Roger looked at his watch and said he'd better get to his first appointment. He tried to look cheerful about it for John's sake but secretly he dreaded it. John said he'd meet him in the dining room for lunch and watched his boyfriend walk away. 

John had turned to walk up to the cottage to get his hiking boots when he stopped to say hello to one of the gardeners. He was an elderly man but friendly looking and stopped to have a few words with John. He told him he'd been living and working on the island ever since it had been a holiday makers destination.

"Really? I thought it had always been a...a sanitarium." John hated saying the word. 

"Nay, nay." The gardener stretched his back. "I remember young master Taylor visited here with his family. Hasn't changed a bit." He chuckled and went back to his pruning of some odd looking flowers.

"Really? Roger was here? When?' John couldn't believe it. Roger hadn't said anything. Maybe, he couldn't remember?

"Oh, about 13 or 15 years back. He had a little sister. Very protective of her he was. They would go down to the caves with the family to picnic but he always kept an eye out. He was a good lad. Not changed by the looks of it." The old man turned his back and John went on his way up to the cottage.

That afternoon Roger couldn't wait to have a smoke and meet John. He'd talked to so many doctors his head was starting to ache and only a smoke and a cuddle from John would make him feel better. He saw John walking towards him and he waved. He hoped he hadn't been too bored but he looked cheerful and as no one was around to see he gave the blond a quick kiss on the cheek.

"How did it go this morning?" He took a smoke from the pack Roger offered him.

"Okay. Got a headache thought. Too much talking about feelings." Roger scoffed. He would happily of run away but knew he couldn't.

"I heard this was a holiday place for families years ago." John was looking out to the sea.

"Really?" Roger didn't sound very interested. It was after all, a long time ago. But still he would have been 8 o 10 years old. Not a little kid.

"Hungry?" John finished his smoke. He'd made a discovery himself but wasn't sure how to tell Roger or if it really mattered.

Roger had gone several nights without waking up in a panic so when he did John wasn't surprised. The solution was to hold him close and listen if he wanted to talk or just rub his back if he couldn't talk. John knew he would never know what Roger had gone through when Tim had held him captive. John knew nothing of psychology so used his instincts and love to get them both through these moments. Some were more traumatic than others but John had his own coping skills and knew just listening or holding were the best remedies. Roger would usually fall exhaustedly asleep and never remember anything the next morning. Not that John ever said anything

Tonight was different because Brian and Freddie weren't just down the hall and they were in a strange place. Roger had had a dream and had woken up sobbing. John had pulled him on top of him and wrapper his arms around him tightly, rubbing his back.

It took a while for what was bothering the blond to come out. It usually did. He was feeling bad about putting John through everything and the brunette suspected that he was waiting for his boyfriend to 'break' with him. Something that could never happen. John was two years younger than the drummer and the blond felt guilty that the younger man felt responsible for him. It took a few minutes to convince Roger that none of this was factual. That he loved him more than anything in the world and his own heart would break without him.

"Rog? Is there something else thats's bothering you?' John stroked back the blonds hair as he faced him, their heads on the pillow. 

"When I got away from Tim I didn't think you'd want to come anywhere near me." Roger's voice sounded far away as if he was reliving the day Brian had found him and Tim had been arrested. He'd been found dirty and beaten and a ghost of his former self. John held the blonds hands in his as he relived his feelings again. Some things were new. John had only ever got bits and pieces of Roger's experience and he tried hard not to show the horror he felt show on his face.

"Oh, Rog. You're my angel." John didn't have words to say other than that but the simple words seemed to do the trick as Roger pushed his face into the brunettes neck and sighed. He had just needed reassurance. John wondered what went on during the therapy sessions at the centre. Would his lover have to live like this forever?

John wanted to tell Roger about the area he had found that must have been holiday cottages on the less windy side of the island. it was only about a half hour walk. Maybe on the weekend they could explore it together and see if the blond remembered anything about visiting the island when he was a child.


End file.
